The life of a Haole Mahu

It gets better?

2010-11-02T19:54:00.002-04:00

So,

A lot of celebrities have been posting youtube videos saying that within the gay community life gets better. This has been due to the amount of suicides going on throughout the country. As much as a good idea that this is, to give young teens the idea that if they just stick it out that things will get better. I think this is a great campaign that gives young gays hope, but I still think something more needs to be done.

I say that these kids have a right to fight back. I feel like the "It Gets Better Campaign" is like telling these kids that if they just stick it out long enough the harassment and hardships will be resolved. But has anyone ever thought about how these kids will feel later in life? I know that I'm a very self conscious person because of the amount of ridicule and teasing I got as a child by classmates and some family members growing up. It sucks and as much as this may help the gay community I don't think it's good enough.

I say that gay kids should know that It's okay to be gay. And if there are people calling them "fag" or "homo" or people saying that it isn't right; to stand up for what they believe in! There have been so many times where I've walked away from people calling me fag where all I wanted to do was to break their nose. Who are they to go into your life and judge you for what you do?

Seriously. I think the more kids that retaliate, other people will be hesitant to actually pursue harassment because they know that this "fag" isn't afraid to knock a bitch in the face.

I am a firm believer in peace and don't like fighting, but this has gone on long enough and I'm seriously sick and tired of people calling others "fag" and having to listen to one more teenager kill themselves because of how others have treated them. If they only knew that they weren't alone. That there are places where it's completely accepted.

Being gay allows me to be an individual and to see life in a different perspective.

Example of famous gays:

Alexander the Great
Socrates
Walt Whitman
Emily Dickinson
Tennessee Williams
Elanor Roosevelt
Julius Caesar
and Aristotle.
-- These people were famous and unfortunately most of them kept their lives in the closet or rather what they did in the bedroom and their full expression of who they were wasn't accepted by society.

Could you imagine for a second if a child grew up in a life where they were never harassed for their sexual preference? Imagine their stress levels diminishing and they'd be able to focus on what they truly love without others giving them shit about it. It's like having parents that are fully encouraging of pursuing your dreams. It's having the people to be able to back you up in your life. You feel better about it and you have more confidence doing what you want to do.

I honestly wish I could shake every gay person scared to come out and tell them that they have nothing to worry about.

Just the other day my moms friend left me a snide comment on my Facebook asking me how I became so gay. I was in full shock, and it brought back all these emotions and feelings of what I experienced in middle and high school. It took me a little while to realize that I'm happy with how I am and I don't need to justify my life and act different because of some person trying to control and comment on the way I act.

You are who you are and you should never be ashamed of that. EVER.

^_^

2010-10-19T22:56:00.002-04:00

The breeze brushed our skin ever so gently as we gazed into nothingness.
People walked by with dogs, children with parents. And here we were, time seemed to have seized for us while we watched everyone accelerated by.
The sun beamed down on our faces and all I could think about was how happy I was. To enjoy this moment with you.

Love,
Love. I am understanding what those words are meaning to me now. I've had countless bad relationships. I finally have something that I'm willing to keep, to work with and grow.
Love, it's like a seed; It needs to be cared for on a regular basis. Too much water, too much sunlight and it'll die, but not enough will kill it too.
Such as life, we must find a balance between the two.
I'm finding that balance with you.
I see you differently everyday, just as a plant that grows. More and more of you is being uncovered from the soil.

I am so appreciative of how you care about my feelings, asking something as silly as "is it okay if we go to this restaurant instead?" :)....

You're letting me be, you see me for who I am. You're not trying to change anything about me. I can't even tell you how good that makes me feel inside.

Sometimes I wonder though if I'm giving enough back, am I? I feel so comfortable with you, that I love you for you and also see you as a friend too, the best of both worlds.

I know you say you don't care, but when it comes to finances I feel so ashamed; like I'm never contributing enough. And I want to. I'm willing to do whatever I can to make this work.

This weekend, like every other weekend with you was great. I love laying next to you in bed, I sleep better with you than without; something that has never happened to me before. I like our talks, our goofy inside jokes, how I never have to wear chap stick, interesting shows, we agree on so many things,

What more could I ask for??

Oh what a weekend

2010-10-12T11:33:00.002-04:00

Mark came up this weekend and it was like one bad event after another that happened to us.

Mark's bus was over an hour late into bringing him to the bus station. He took an earlier bus and somehow the bus got them there later, and I think the bus driver was new considering the fact he kept driving around the bus terminal and not actually parking in it.

Next, one of my coworkers who met up with us at a club that night got so unbelievably trashed that she was a hot mess. You know the drunk girls you see that have their faces covered with their hair and you can't hear anything but sobs come out of their mouth? Oh and of course she was clutching a cell phone too.

Anyways, my weekend was great, Mark and I traveled to upstate New York to go to Robs cabin and hang out with his friends etc. It was something that is taken place out of a book. Everyone in the town seemed to friendly, polite and patient. The woods were a perfect tint of fall color and the cabin had this little bridge that crossed over a fast running stream. I had the biggest urge to sit with Mark on the bridge and just talk hold hands while the water flowed by. Probably one of my favorite noises ever to listen to.

Near the end of our upstate NY travels, after downing endless amounts of munchies, chili and alcohol, Mark and I took the 2 hour drive home where my car broke down almost 2 hours from home. Of course me in a panic I freaked out. If Mark wasn't there I don't think I would have made it out okay. My phone was on the verge of dying and I would have had no idea what to do. Mark kept me calm and helped me to remain positive. Something that I'm so thankful for.

He held my hand, told me things were going to be okay. He even took a day off of work just in case. I had planned on driving down to NYC that night with our friend Jay. :(. Unfortunately it didn't happen and Mark stayed an extra day.

I can honestly say that I have the best boyfriend in the world. Never has anyone been so caring about my feelings, been willing to meet my parents and want to spend every waking moment with me. Sometimes I wonder if I deserve such a thing and then I say to myself "well, why not?"

While driving Mark to the bus station, after we made it home and got situated (thanks Jay) Mark and I had a talk in the car and he said that I don't give myself enough credit. I don't know why, but for some reason the words that were coming out of his mouth led me to tears.

Is it because he sees something in me that I don't see for myself? I'm not sure. But in the mean time I'm going with this and trying to enjoy myself as much as possible. I have someone in my life who cares for me very much and I the same.

I guess this adventure was good, for the fact that Mark got to see how I act in situations and vice versa. I learn something new everyday :)

Where'd it go?

2010-10-01T23:37:00.004-04:00

she sits and waits
waits for something, anything
something to take care of, something to take her pain away
she feels useless because her job as a mother is done and doesn't know what else there is

for over 30 years she spent her life raising children, and now what?
what else is there?
She never had time to think past that
to think past the smelly diapers, first walks, rebellious teens and finally seeing her children grow into adults
graduations, career paths, grand children?

she sits and waits for something to fill her life again
until then, she will wait, not being able to see that she is fully capable of loving herself.
She strives to love others to get that feeling of inner love.
All her love has been for her kids, her focus, on her children, the stay-at-home mom, the trophy wife
her job is done and she is left clueless and scared at the reality of life.
To finally be able to see herself in the mirror, she refuses

You are beautiful and if only you could see that,
see that you truly are the incredible person that you dreamed of.
Martha is proud of you. Your children are proud of you

See life in the light you've always wished to see.
It's there

You're worth it
If only you could see what I see

I want to take your pain away and it hurts so badly every time I see you cry.

What happened to that mom I saw with that smile on your face?
That genuine smile
Where'd you go?

Changes are happening

2010-10-01T14:58:00.003-04:00

I'm here at Starbucks on a Friday afternoon before my short shift at work and I can't help but reflect on my previous weekend.

I can honestly say I had the best weekend ever, I have started a new relationship with a guy that I much like and care for very much. His friends are the most amazing and relaxed people. We went out, danced, stayed in and enjoyed each others company, cooked, ate watched a movie and talked. I couldn't ask for anything more.

This man sees me for who I am and accepts my flaws. I sometimes wonder how o a guy so great as him finds me so desirable. I think at a time like this I need to tell my inner thoughts to shut up and just go with the flow.

I'm used to living the single life and doing things on my own. I'm not used to being in a relationship and doing things as a couple. I really want to make this work. We are totally great together, we have great conversations and we share the same interests in shows and movies. :). He's a very caring person of his friends and family. Although, he likes the New York Yankees so I'm really trying not to let that mess everything up (I joke). Baseball, is that the game where they score the goals? Or is it Baskets?

I consider my man a total guys guy. He plays rugby, is hairy and isn't all into the pretentious New York gay scene. We went to the bar G-Lounge and I couldn't help think to myself "Andrew, this isn't real." All the men there were either extremely skinny or muscular.

His friends intimidated me at first. I'm not used to the New York scene and I notice that whenever I have gone there in the past the men just seem totally different. They are very in tuned with who they are and are able to do whatever they need to to get by and be successful.

New York has such massive energy. I feel like a little fish in a massive ocean when I'm there. I want to be able to be successful and make it big, I want to make a name for myself somehow. I feel like the 8 Million people that are there are trying to do the same thing.

This is a time in my life I need to sit down and focus on what I want to do.

I'm still working on my Korea application and have almost all my papers done. I am getting job offers. It's unfortunate because I met this great guy at a time where I'm going to embark on an incredible journey. I'm willing to make this relationship work regardless if i'm over 6,000 miles away.

And as usual, my thoughts are scattered all over this page.

Too fast!

2010-09-14T16:24:00.004-04:00

Right when you think you have control of your life, something happens or someone just walks right into your life that just makes you take a step back and just think "wow, this is my life and this is it."

I'm sitting in Starbucks and this girl that I went to high school walked in. I haven't seen her since i've graduated and she's already married and has a house. Crazy! I still feel like i'm so young, with all these dreams and expectations of life. Can you imagine settling down right now? I have nothing against people that already are, but as of right now, that's just not me, there's so much of this world I want to explore, to see and experience. I want to get so overwhelmed with anxiety, break down and cry, stand up, get back on my feet and become the stronger person that I was meant to be.

I see people my age, maybe a little bit older with children and I just can't picture it. I can't picture; in a sense to end my life just so I can take care of someone else's. That's not who I am, maybe I'm selfish. But these are my 20's and I feel like after college or rather, after the 19 - 22 stage life is supposed to get better.

This is the time in my life where I'm trying to fully discover myself and develop a group of friends that I truly care about. As of right now I am and I'm loving it. :)...

My friend made a good point the other day, saying that so many people in this world are asleep, awaiting to be woken up from their slumbers and the ones that are are the ones that aren't afraid to fail. Maybe not afraid but are willing to accept that it's okay to fail.

I really am petrified of going to South Korea but I know that it's something I have to experience and I need to learn more about myself. My whole life I've been babied by my parents and my older siblings and I've been taken care of. This is the real time in my life where I need to prove to myself that I can stand on my own two feet, succeed and take on life head on.

Oh life, I hate you but love you so much.

A Stand-still

2010-09-09T01:09:00.002-04:00

I can't help but be scared about this part of my life.

I am at a stand still. I don't know what to do, I'm trying not to think about the difficulties in my life, like work, trying to make money and pursue my dreams of traveling. I see my option to travel and I'm scared. I have to work on my TEFL certificate but every time I sit down to do it, I would rather be observing the dust in the air or the massive gap between my toes. :/.

Tomorrow is my only day off this week and I really want to go to the library and get stuff done. And go to the gym too.

Speaking of the gym, I have a total creeper lurking throughout.

BSC members beware! If you see a bald headed man that wears white tank tops and red shorts he's probably a major cruiser. 2 years ago this guy would stare at me in the locker room and grab himself.

This has been the first time I've seen him since and he's wearing the same outfit as before cruising the weights and locker room too. I see him looking at me. This time he was walking around the locker room naked, standing in my way and staring at me. I left the locker room after having to go to the bathroom, continued my workout for an extra 15 minutes, only to find him still creeping the bathrooms. It's unfortunate.

In other news, I find myself being a total Debbie D, and I would like to thank my good friends Jay, Mark, Cat and Esther right now for being great inspirations in my life. I don't know why, but there have been times where I'm ready to grind someones face into the walls at work for NO reason. I am taking this time to recognize this feeling and do something about it. I think I have a lot of stored up energy and anger that hasn't been released so I think gym time is crucial.

I'm currently reading the book The China Study. I find it absolutely amazing and it a book I recommend to anyone who wants to change their lives and perhaps may need a little push into a different direction. Everything this book discusses has been in my head for a very long time. For example, I always thought food had something to do with emotional/physical health, yes, I'm sure you'd say DUH no crap, but like, to be able to prevent certain cancers and to improve our bodies in unimaginable ways; improvement of eyesight as well helping us to keep our minds focused. Just interesting.

So yes. that's all I have to really say at the moment. I apologize for people who do follow me that I haven't posted in a while.

Spontineity

2010-08-18T00:12:00.000-04:00

Ever do something on a whim? Like, you just go and do something without really thinking about it? I did (and yes, I was sober!). I feel like we all know that person that grabs life by the balls and just... GO

Maybe it was because I was inspired by the book Eat, Pray, Love to take a chance. Or maybe it was because of my friend Josh. One time I asked him how his weekend went and he said "Oh my friends and I drove up to Niagara Falls for the day." I couldn't wrap my head around it. Him and his buddies decided to go up and see Niagara Falls, and drive home. That's like a 6 hour drive both ways. Another time he said he went to Egypt and bribed hi tour guide to allow him to climb on one of the pyramids. CRAZY!

I met a guy online about a month ago and we were supposed to meet up in Ptown during Bear Week. I was on A4A (if you don't know what that means i'm not gonna tell you :P) and saw this really handsome guy. I don't remember who messaged who (I think I messaged him). Unfortunately I maxed out my credit card and Edson left for home a few hours prior with my wallet :( (not intentional). There was no way in hell I was going to meet someone, grab a drink or dinner and tell him what happened. I'm not a huge fan of people paying for me unless I know that they are one of my good friends. And I didn't want to be THAT guy.

I did what any broke-ass homo would do. Went down to the Dick Dock. JUST KIDDING, I went home.

It was around 11:30pm a few weeks ago, and the A4A guy called me the second I got into my car. I legit, just finished up an 11 hour work day. I was completely exhausted and ready to go to bed. We chatted and he made the comment for me to go down to NYC and meet up with him. I thought about it and at first I was like: "oh hahaha he's joking." But for some reason, I don't know what it was, or what was in my head. Maybe i was in a daze or it was the feeling within me that said "trust him, he's a good guy."

NYC boy and I have been chatting on and off through throughout the month, so it wasn't like I did this on a complete whim.

We skyped, I saw where he lived. He proved to me that he wasn't a creep and at around 12am I took the 4 and 1/2 hour drive down to NYC, stayed with him for the day, met his friends and walked around. It had to have been one of the most greatest experiences I've ever done. I thought about what I was doing on the way down. I said to myself "You're going to look back on this and not regret it, you'd regret it if you didn't go."

We as people always wonder what it is like on the road less taken, well I took it and it turned out to be magnificent.

I saw his apartment, met a bunch of his friends which are lovable, drama and judge-free people. And am learning a lot about a someone that in another situation or at another time would have never thought to do. Do I know where it's going to go? Absolutely not and am I taking this new friendship or whatever it is day-by-day. I'm happy and that's all that matters right now. Post college is a time for self exploration and if I can do it in a healthy and happy way, than by all means, I'm going to do it.

Panera Bread

2010-07-28T19:36:00.002-04:00

Walk into any Panera Bread and what do you see? Busy lines, appetizing breads, muffins, bagels, sandwiches and salads right? Well, go behind the scenes at an establishment and it takes away the appeal. For example, I hate watching how movies are made because it losses its magic, or illusion to what the movie is all about. Same thing when you go into the kitchen and see how the food is made or processed. The food at your plate, (or movie your watching) loses its special... I don't know... how do you say... maybe losses its appeal?

I recently started working at Panera part time, until I am capable of getting out of there and going to South Korea. I thought the work was going to be a lot of fun. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind it at all. But I honestly didn't realize how stressful it can be. It can take a lot out of you. All new people must train in the dining room; meaning, they have to go around to all the trash areas, bus the trays, wash tables, wash the floors, change the sanitary bucket every 2 hours, make sure everything is stalked, change the ice machine and soda fountains, clean the windows, make sure the 4 coffees are changes every hour on the hour and there are other things I just can't remember them all. It's a nonstop pace when you work the floor.

I guess I did a great job, it usually takes someone 3 weeks to complete the dining room training and it only took me 1. :), that's what you get for hauling ass I guess? So, I recently got bumped up the Barista Station. I thought it was so cool how the employees at Starbucks were able to make such wacky drinks, when in fact it's WICKED EASY. It takes a little memorization and your good. The only problem that may be a struggle is when you have 7 orders at one time and people are waiting right there for your drinks and you're trying to go as fast as possible but you still feel like it's not fast enough. Do you ever get that feeling?

For what it's worth I have a lot of respect for the people that work there. I know a lot of them have probably been through some difficult times in their life, dealing with the cards they have been dealt and are trying to get by. You'd never know half of them were encountering these struggles just by talking to them. It's interesting, to say the least, but it's opened my eyes up to to a crowd of peeps I've never dealt with. I've worked lifeguarding jobs and when I bussed tables it was for the mega wealthy.

Here I am coming from a snotty town of North Andover, meshing into the people of "higher society." Where I never really took a step back to realize how hard my dad had to work and how hard other people had to work so people like me wouldn't have to do that. I feel like this type of work definitely builds character and pushes you to a new place in your mind and body. There is one woman I work with, she's very mellow and patient. To the point where you know it would almost be impossible to get her mad. But me personally, I feel her attitude makes me want to work harder. Just to prove that I'm capable of doing it and so she doesn't have to help me.

All-in-all this job is teaching me to not take things personally when it comes to dealing with people and to just go at my own pace and do the best that I can. If it's not good enough for them then clearly it wasn't a good fit for either of us. If I fail, I learn something and move on. I am accepting to myself that failure (as much as it sucks) is okay. And when we fail we learn something about ourselves and what we did in the process.

Mind over.... food?

2010-07-21T21:14:00.003-04:00

I recently reevaluated my life and am trying to figure out how I can make some positive changes in it. I noticed one problem in my life and that is my health. I workout at the gym for a good 1.5 - sometimes 2.5 hours roughly 3 - 5 days a week. I lift, do cardio, and participate in aerobics classes to switch it up for my muscles. But I'm still not getting the results I want.

Hmm, that's weird Andrew. Why is that? Is it genetic? Do you think you need to work different muscles? Maybe you're not working hard enough.

Naw, that's not it, it's my diet. I know that I have eaten pretty terribly for a while and I have evidence to prove it. Well, no visual evidence (creep my facebook maybe?) for you guys. I've seen pictures of myself of over a year ago and I was 25 pounds lighter. I was eating a lot better, exercising regularly and only drinking about once a week. It was during my final year of diving and I wanted to improve my skills, which involved me losing weight, I did. The desire to improve my diving made me want to improve my eating and working out habits. Also, I was working out about 2 - 5 hours a day. I was stuck in the freshman dorms as a senior and was missing my time in Hawaii terribly, also I went through a break up with a guy that I really liked. Perhaps that was my way of releasing my depression?

Anyways, I talked to my friend Esther, she's very much into the whole Holistic health, is vegan and is very into spiritual stuff. My friend Jay has also been a great inspiration. He is Vegan too and looks absolutely amazing. He's had a pretty difficult life and is able to keep his head above water, work ridiculous hours at his job and still have enough energy to get through his day. He told me that a lot of his energy comes from the way he eats. He says that he is able to focus better too. Esther said the same thing ^_^.

I think of it this way: How many times a day do we eat? Our lives are revolved around eating. We go out to eat with friends, we get together as a family to eat for special occasions. Food is constantly in front of us. Sometimes it can be overwhelming and we tend to binge on foods. For example, I am a chocolate whore, I love chocolate, ask any of my friends. When I'm at the 99 I almost always have to get the Midnight fudge cake. My dad loves to buy me Brownie Batter or Double Fudge Brownie falvors from Ben and Jerry's and I can't help but to devour myself in chocolate chip cookies.

My chocolate obsession has got me thinking that maybe I have an addiction of some type, and I didn't really think about it until I saw a video on it. Here it is. It has a lot of other interesting facts in it too. I'm not trying to persuade you into anything but take it for what it is and how food has an incredible way of changing your body and your mind. I feel like if we are able to control our eating habits we will be able to control a lot of other things in our life too.

In order to be physically fit, we need to be mentally fit too. And in the gay world, who doesn't want to be physically fit? Speaking of, there is a documentary that I find myself very interested in. I did a presentation in a rhetorical studies class on the effects of Muscle Dysmorphia in men. And I also mentioned gay men in it too. I don't think many straight people actually realize how much of the gay world thrives on looks and how it can be very damaging to gays if they don't fit in a stereotype. It's hard enough for gays to come out of the closet and then trying to fit into a world that is solely based on looks and sex is pretty tough.

Thoughts?

I'm broke

2010-07-14T17:57:00.002-04:00

I have 40 bucks in my account, I maxed out my credit card and I'm jobless. Awesome. This is a realization for me that I need to work and not rely on my parents anymore. I miss that feeling of independence that I had once. That feeling where I was able to go out, do whatever, go wherever and not have to worry about spending my parents money. I hate and have always hated that feeling. I hate it when my friends pay for me too. Money has a way of ruining friendships, gatherings and family.

Good News:

I've had one interview with Panera Bread and have another one tomorrow. I hope I get the job. I'm a little nervous though. I know what it's like to work in the food industry and dealing with people. It's really difficult and no matter how nice you are to some clientele they can be complete douche bags. Killing them with kindness is the best solution.However, working in the food biz can be entertaining. As much as you hate patrons, after they leave, you and your coworkers can vent about it and rip on them. I love doing that. I also love when your coworkers are really stressed out some days and you're able to cheer them up and make them smile. I don't know. That was one of the perks of working in the food industry that I do love. I love the pace, I love the excitement, different personalities working together as a team, and I love overcoming my anxiety.

I think the main focus of my fear is fucking up and not doing what I need to do. My goal with every job I have is to do my absolute best and then some. I remember working at The Bay Club and constantly asking my bosses and other staff what could be done. I didn't like sitting around when I knew there was a task was at hand.

In other news.

I sat in the car with my mom and dad on the way down to Belmont to see my brother's potential apartment he's getting and to go out to dinner. I don't know why but for some reason I felt like I couldn't breathe in the car with them. I wanted to rip my shirt off bang my chest and scream like a guerilla. Is that weird? I go to the the gym for about 2 hours everyday and I still feel like that's not long enough. I felt like I as 16 years old again, unable to take any control of my life.

My parents are in Marshfield for the day and it's fantastic. I have the house to myself where I can relax and not worry about a specific chore. I've been keeping my room very tidy since my mom redecorated it for me. I'm so thankful for that.

Anyways. I'm excited for this new job. I know the people that I'll be working with are nice. They've gone through the same stuff I will be going through so they will be understanding. Sometimes I think the world is out to get me. I need to take a step back and understand that for the most part people are not always like that. That I'm like that.

Post Provincetown Depression

2010-07-12T14:56:00.000-04:00

Since late April, Edson and I planned a weekend getaway to Provincetown MA. I thought it would be a good idea to do something different and go to Bear Week. :). Now, for some reason I think masculine hairy guys are super hot. But what really strikes me is, a lot of these men look so intimidating but when you talk to them they are the biggest sweet hearts. They are just a boat load of fun and willing to talk to you. I met a lot of really nice people.

There is something about Provincetown that makes me hate it and love it all at the same time. First off, I'll talk about what I don't like: A lot of the men are simply gorgeous. They have great bodies and for some reason their asses look like they can bounce quarters off of them. I tend to compare myself a lot of the time so after a while of seeing these guys it almost makes me want to develop an eating disorder. A lot of the time things there are over priced, but it brings in a lot of tourism, so what do you expect. Oh yeah, and if you're dead broke like me, the bars suck because they're cash only.

Love: I love how after getting over how hot these men are, they are easy to talk to. Also, there are so many people there from all over the country you never know who you're going to end up seeing or meeting. It's a crazy experience. Also, the town of Provincetown is absolutely fantastic, the people in stores are friendly and personable and are almost always willing to help you. This is the third time I have ever gone and since I've been going I've never had a bad experience.

This year, Edson took amazing care of me in which I owe him my life.

Gross Story

As I stumbled back to my hotel room at 2:30am, I was very hungry. I craved the pizza that Edson and I housed earlier for dinner. So, I noticed that the pizza box was outside the room. "What the..?" I said to myself. I peaked in and saw 2 slices still left. "Yes!" I thought to myself.

I opened the door to the hotel room with the pieces of pizza sandwhiched together, hanging from my mouth. I took a quick look to my right and saw a dark figure sleeping, Edson. I smacked his foot and noticed he was breathing... I walked blindly to the bathroom while gnawing on my buffalo chicken pizza. I turned the light on and took the pizza out of my mouth only to find myself repulsed.

My once delicious pizza was covered in ANTS! I WAS EATING ANT COVERED PIZZA!! I instantly threw out the pizza cleaned out my mouth and started to brush my teeth. I felt an ant clinging to my lip. If I wasn't absolutely drunk out of my mind I would have vomited all over the place. I could barely sleep the whole night thinking that ants were going to crawl up my throat.

Needless to say I'm scarred for life and will probably never have drunkin munchies ever again.

Some good people

2010-07-02T17:24:00.002-04:00

You know when you meet people that give off that spectacular vibe? The kind of vibe that you know for a fact that this person is going to do amazing things? Well this past weekend I went down to CT to meet up with my best friend Edson. Ever since we've been friends there's just been something about the guy that makes me smile.

I consider him my gay coach. He has always been there to teach me the ways of the gay world; especially when it comes to fashion, dealing with men and just the whole gay culture in general. I don't know where I would be without him.

So, it was his 24th birthday and it's usually tradition for us to get together on such occasions to celebrate. Well I met some of his good friends and others that I've known before, but they're such good people.

I met his friend Charlotte, who's this little asian girl but has such a bright light to her. She's super pretty. Her hair is lavishly long and has these eyes that can pretty much pierce through your soul. Just like Edson, she is hysterical.

Funny story.
Edson and I were running late to his birthday dinner because Edson was busy doing a little somethin' somethin', and Charlotte waited at the train station for him. (She lives in NY and met up with us in CT for dinner). Anyways, Edson said there is a DSW and for her to wait there. So we finally arrive outside the DSW and Charlotte is no where to be found. Edson calls her and she says: "OKay, I'll be right out, I'm just trying to figure out which shoes I want to buy." Mind you, Edson is 30 mins late to his own party and Charlotte knows that. Oh my lord, too funny. In the end she couldn't decide and bought both pairs.

I have a lot of respect for her, she sees people for who they are and not where they came from. She told me a story how she went to Oxford University for a semester. I guess the university staff care more about your interview rather than your application because they want to see how you are going to mesh with other students from Oxford rather than your credentials.

One of my friends makes about 300K a year, is a big surfer, plays underwater hockey and is on a swim team. He's very active and in great shape. He volunteers his time to homeless shelters, special olympics and people that are deaf. Needless to say he's super attractive and sweet.

Well, when he meets people for the first time he tells them that he's a janitor. Right off the bat a lot of people judge him and don't waste their time with him. That's when he knows who is real and who isn't. I don't know, I guess that's just something interesting, I feel like in our world we need to boast our accomplishments to people so we feel impressed about ourselves. Where in the actuality it doesn't matter because these people aren't us and they have no right to judge who we are and where we came from.

In other news, I have recently started Crossfit, I'm not too sure if it'll last but I am enjoying the workouts and the feeling of wanting to barf after WOOT.

Trying to think positive

2010-06-25T16:00:00.002-04:00

I've been kind of harassing my university to get my diploma. I know how UMass works and especially during the summer, it's like they're at work and they don't work...

They mail your diploma to you, but you can go and pick it up on a certain day to get it early. So, the head of the english department called me back and said to me,

"Andrew, I cannot sign your diploma.... you do not have enough credits to graduate..." My heart instantly sank. This happened on Monday. I was flabbergasted and livid. I don't understand how this could have happened. I remember talking to my advisor the first semester this year and he specifically told me, "Okay, you only need three more classes and you're done, you can take them in anything." He suggested I take english classes, so I did.

Yeah, turns out I'm still 2 credits short. I think what gets me the most upset is If i had known this I would have taken another class, but now I have to wait until July to take an online class :/. This is going to set me back for my adventure in Korea and I'm going to be living at home longer than anticipated. It sucks, but I've talked to people and thought about it.

There is nothing I can do about it. I must accept it for what it is and I must learn from this.

What have I learned?

1. Double check your own shit not matter how much trust you have in a professor.
2. Don't get mad at the things that you can't change.
3. Know that there is a reason for everything that happens and without this growth we cannot evolve into a better/happier person.

I think with all disappointments and frustrations in life, we must analyze it and see it for what it is and try to understand why we get so upset. But more importantly, it is important to figure out how to resolve that feeling into something better. Cope with it. I don't think that we can ever change our feelings, but maybe we can change it to a certain level. Maybe not get mad at things that are futile and unimportant to us. Get mad or feel for the things more important.

Would that make us numb though? Are we allowed to feel the feelings inside of us? Or rather, is it okay to feel those little things that get us angry? What happens if we repress them. Well I mean, that's obviously, but shouldn't we be allowed to feel the little feelings too? I'm not sure.

Life... Time.... It all moves forward and I have the option to be angry with what has happened or use it to change my future. I'll take the 2nd option.

I'm Suffocating

2010-06-24T10:57:00.002-04:00

Why is it that parents don't think that you're capable of doing anything?

Maybe it's just my parents. They honestly don't think I can wipe my own ass without one of them to assist me. I love my parents to death but it's getting really old how they are always asking:

"Where are you going? Who are you going out with? When will you be home?" I don't know!

My dad is the worst. He's demanding, as soon as I wake up in the morning it's: "okay you need to get such-n-such done." Or when we do yard work, it'll be something stupid like "go pick up these rocks and place them here NEATLY and then when you're done, move them back to the original spot, NEATLY." (a little exaggeration of course) but I just feel like the things I'm being asked, and the stuff I do is useless and impractical.

My father is out of a job and stays at home all day. I think he looks for things to pester about because he can't boss anyone around anymore at work. I think that's all he really did was demand things and he got them.

When he's on the computer he's like a child. He doesn't understand the basic concepts of the computer. I understand that it's because of the generation gap and he never grew up in the digital age, but still, he doesn't see the steps in between to do things. Like, he'll be doing step A, but will see the final step of Z and try and just go there without doing steps B,C,D,E,F etc.

It's to the point where I don't like talking to him, I don't like being in the same room with him because it's not even a hang out session, it's "you have to do this" and "this needs to be done." I understand he is my father, but sometimes I wish my father would loosen up and relax a bit. I think that's why him and I have never gotten along, we don't see eye to eye.

I get frustrated because we have to eat as a family every single night. Ever since we were little we've always had to eat as a family, I fucking hate it!

Anyways, I'm finishing my ranter before I explode. Is anyone dealing with something similar?

Babies, They're Only Fun When They're Not Yours ^_^

2010-06-03T19:29:00.004-04:00

Today I got to see my good friend from high school, Krista. She has a 1 and 1/2 year old (little older than that) girl. Super adorable. She has the blonde hair, blue eyes and pudgy cheeks, her smile lights up the room. As soon as I walked into Krista's house, her daughter was attached at the hip. I waited for the little munchkin to say "Mom, who is that?" but then I realized, 1 and 1/2 year olds can barely talk.

Super cute, Hanna, Krista's daughter, is a boatload of smiles and is super goofy, she tries to talk and loves to explore, climb and color (outside of the lines is priority). I got the opportunity to color with her and she got more on her than on the paper har har har. By the end of the coloring session she had a goatee, blue and red arms.

It's weird, I thought I was going to be really tense hanging with her but I had so much fun, I was willing to lay on the floor with her, I was going to play house with Hanna, but I wanted to catch up with Krista (well, I wanted to play house regardless if Hanna was there or not :P). It makes me speculate if I'm going to be a great dad, buuuuuttt, I don't think I'm ready for that. I do think how much fun it would be to raise a child with a significant other. The crazy stories and all.

A baby/child is great when they're not yours, they aren't attached at your hip; you can spoil them as much as possible and not have to worry about the consequences because you're not dealing with them all the time. I give Krista a lot of credit. She's been through so much and she's such a loving mom. She's very calm, cool and collective with her child. I wonder about that with children. If the parent is relaxed towards their child, will the child be just as relaxed? I see these parents that are so strict and discipline their kids so much, and the kids act out and rebel almost. Krista's not like that. Is it just Hanna's age though? I wonder.

The whole time I was there I kept thinking about the Sex and the City quote from Samantha "That babies an asshole."
Carrie: You can't call a baby an asshole!
Nothing towards Krista's baby, but we really don't realize how much we have to take full responsibility of someone, it's a big deal to have a child, Krista is a strong person. Hanna's going to grow up with a lot of experience under her belt.

Relaxation and Bud Light at its Finest

2010-05-31T22:24:00.004-04:00

Memorial Day Weekend

Friday, I got to do a lesson plan to my 4th grade class that I volunteered for. A school in Korea wants me to post a lesson plan, that's why I did it. The kids were super cute. The teacher actually bribed the kids beforehand; told them that if they were good for my lesson plan that they would get a pasta party. So you better believe that those little pip-squeeks were awesome.

I was so nervous getting up in front of the class and speaking. My hand shook and my face turned bright red. Why? Why was I so nervous? Maybe because I was going to be judged by people to determine my fate for a school. Maybe I was scared because I didn't think I was good enough and maybe because I was afraid I was going to mess up; say something stupid or freeze.

However, at the end of the lesson, my teacher said I did good, and so did the kids They gave me hugs and high-fives, and I had to do "The Jerk" and "The Pin Drop" with one of the kids.

After, I ventured up in New Hampshire to Lake Winnipasaukee to enjoy some QT time with my brother's girl friend at her lake house, my brother and some of their friends and family. It was nice, we slept on the grass, got some skin, went on the boat and toured the lake. We drank a lot of Bud Light by the fire and talked story.

I reflected a lot on Hawaii and what it was like when I first arrived; or rather, when I first flew over the islands and saw the waves crash on the North Shore and I thought on how I was going to journey into a new land and create new adventures. Adventures are everywhere. I thought of that feeling of arriving to Hawaii like the first day you arrive as a freshman, you're so excited because the collar your parents had on you for 18 years is finally gone and you're free to roam and start new. I think about this with me going to Korea.

Over and out.

A Beach Adventure Gone Horribly Wrong

2010-05-26T20:27:00.003-04:00

My good friend Sara and I decided, because it was so hot out, to go to the beach. There is this secluded section of Horseneck Beach that is absolutely beautiful. It reminds me of the beach I used to go to in Hawaii. You have to take this long trail through the woods and walk through a sandy trail to get there.

The walk is a little tedious, but once you climb up the final hill and see the scenery , it's worth it. I thought the walk was a lot of fun, but I'm sure Sara swore under her breath a little on the way there because the sand was scaaalllding hot. But when she saw the spectacular view, our feelings became mutual.

We laid out, relaxed, played in the water for a little bit, and decided it would be smart to NOT wear sunblock today. Boy, were we in for a real treat. I currently have a fan under the desk, in between my legs, blowing at the back of my thighs and calfs. I'm dehydrated and my back is on fire. I sat for a good 20 mins with frozen vegetables on my back to try to alleviate the pain... No go.

On a good note, I made a memory that I will never forget with a great friend. Today couldn't have been any more perfect. The beach, the sun, the warm weather, sand, smiles, laughter and good food, is by far the best thing I could ask for. :) ... well maybe a not so burnt body too, but we can't always have it all.

So now what?

2010-05-25T16:20:00.003-04:00

I've done it! I've done it! Guess what i've done?

Yes, I have gradumacated. I'M OFFICALLY A COLLEGE STUDENT. (said on my part after my graduation dinner. I was buzzed)

The ceremony was abysmal. Our main speaker, the p

resident of East - Timor, a little island just about Australia that was once inhabited by the Portugese gave a lecture that was completely and utterly bad. He talked about nonsense, pretty much asking for help for his country. And the Dean sounded like the was on perquisites and the class president clearly didn't rehearse his lines, it was bad all round.

On a good note, my friend and I got beach balls and blew them up during graduation, I thought that was pretty cool. I think it just made the event that much more enjoyable :).

So here I am, all done with school, looking to go to Korea, enjoying my time off, and trying to detox myself the massive amounts of alcohol I have consumed. It's put a number on my wallet as well as a number on my love handles. :P

I feel super gross but I know once I get back to the gym and get a routine, as well as

swim this summer, I think I'll be good :). And on top of that, Koreans are effin' skinny mofo's that eat super healthy, so I hope that I'll be eating like that too. My good friend said that Koreans are workoutaholics.

Other than that, I'm proud of my accomplishments. But now it's time to face the world and grab it by the balls. "I can grab bulls balls." (Never Been Kissed)

It's weird, I still think I'm going to see the friends that I've seen for so many years, like "no worries, it's just the summer, I'll see them again soon." I feel better now about this than I did when I was in Hawaii. I felt like I was missing out at UMass Dartmouth, but now that almost all my good friends graduated and are moving down their own path, that feeling has deteriorated. The friends that want to stay in touch with me will, and the ones that don't, well, that's their loss.

I have to give a shout out to one of my best friends, Edson, for hanging out with me the past few days and dealing with my messed up family and my drama. Thanks bud.

Getting to know YOU

2010-05-20T18:09:00.002-04:00

A good friend said to me once "Why don't you get to know Andrew."

I feel like I spend a lot of my time distracting myself as much as possible. Currently, I'm wasting away my days watching countless Sex and the City episodes that I bought at Target for about 15 bucks a season (Steal). If it wasn't for Carrie Bradshaw I would be seeking friends to go out with or occupying my time calling other friends, going on gay.com and chatting with random strangers. I would want to learn more about them than myself.

I haven't been focusing on what is the most important thing of all, myself. I'm wasting my days because I live them for other people when I should be living them for me. If I want to go out and do something I shouldn't have to wait for others to come along with me. Especially now, of all times, I'm done with school and have the opportunity to grab life by the balls!

While I was living in Hawaii I noticed that getting to know me was the hardest thing for me to do, I couldn't stand staying by myself because I hit a reality. I hated not being able to talk to people at night, not hanging out with friends. It sucked walking around campus and not seeing a single familiar face, I felt like just another face in a crowd.

I had so many friends at UMass Dartmouth, surrounded by people that made me laugh and were good conversationalists that I didn't focus on me.

Ultimately, I'm afraid to get to know myself but I know that after my experience living away from home I learned a lot, and I know that this opportunity in Korea will leave me knowing so much more about me too. I learned that when I don't have friends around I seek a man to occupy my time. When I was at UMass I had friends to hang out with.

Today was spent alone, just doing me, and I saw the flaws in myself and what needs improvement.

I'm not too sure what else I can say other than I need to not be afraid of this feeling I have inside of me. The feeling that screams that you need to be with other people, because this feeling, this feeling right now, is the feeling that will be carried with me forever. I need to get used to it and learn to love it, maybe this is another way for me to say that I need to have more confidence in myself. I need to love me for me.

That's all I really have to say today. I get so excited sometimes before I write because I think I have so much to write about, but then when I write it down it's not nearly as long as I hoped.

Way past my bedtime

2010-05-19T03:38:00.003-04:00

You know when you lay in bed and you toss 'n' turn? Your body is tired but your mind is wired? That's how I'm feeling right at this very moment. It's almost 4:00a.m. and I have to be up at around 10:30 for a hair appointment, and I just can't stop thinking.

Thinking about what though?

Well, I've been watching Sex and The City season 2... I was bad and decided to buy seasons 2 - 4 at Target, THEY WERE ON SALE!... anyways, it made me think about my past relationships and how none of them have worked out. If they did I wouldn't be single right now.

Is there something wrong with me? Is there something about my attitude that makes men go "nah, not my type"? Sometimes I wish our friends weren't so friendly (or maybe could be friendlier) and point out our flaws, not to be an ass, but to be a friend. Is there something about my personality that turns guys away? Or rather, does my personality attract the wrong men? Or is it my physical attributes?

I've had a few men that took my heart, and the ones that did-- I've found to have hour conversations with at night.

I roll around in my sleep sometimes, wondering what they're doing right at this very moment. If they ever think of me too, if they're happy. I drive myself crazy wondering these questions without any hope of ever receiving an answer. Deep down my mind says "Andrew, you can guess and you can wonder but you're never going to hear the answer you want to hear." They have moved on and clearly I should too. But why is it? What is it that impacts us to have these feelings for some and none for others?

Why am I so attracted to dark skin asian men/Polynesians/men that have a big build? And why are my friends attracted to totally different guys? Do our past experience influence us? How we grew up? Are those the answers? Am I searching for my first original relationship in all the other guys I'm dating? Like a drug that you take for the first time, hoping to get that same high you felt? Why can't I accept them for who they are and be happy with that?

I went on a date with one man the other day. Nice guy, very talented in the arts and he was handsome, but for whatever reason it was--maybe the fact that he knew his eyes were too pretty and flaunted them, maybe because he was just super outgoing. But there was this vibe I couldn't shake off from him that I didn't like. I felt as though what he said to me as an act, like he hid behind something, afraid to actually expose himself. For friends that know me, and know me well, I tend to read into personalities. And whenever I'm high I tend to over analyze people to the absolute T.

I begin to think about the way they said something, how they said it and why, as in: their thought process behind the words that came out of their mouth. "Oh they probably said it this way because they thought of xyz" (crazy, without a doubt). But for the most part when I do that I realize I'm usually almost always right. This guy I went on the date with is nice, but until I feel like he has taken off his mask, I don't think there will be date number 2.

I'm only 23 years old, and here I am, half moved out of my apartment, only to move back home for the summer, applying to jobs in Korea, and I wonder where my life will take me. I have lived in Hawaii, and that was just 1 minor stepping stone in my life. Imagine if I go to Korea and then from there? Imagine the people I'll encounter, the stories I'll share, the places I've gone.

"Oh the places you'll go"

I wonder a lot, what if I was dealt a different hand. What if I grew up in such poverty in a 3rd world country where my life was strictly to survive, to feed my family and nothing more. Education? Huh? Or what if I grew up in a little village where life was peaceful and grand, where we lived off the land... I must be thankful that I am here, that I have finished up my college career, to be able to say that I have an education, that I have learned something about this world; with my bones all intact, having great experiences, phenomenal friends and a family that will always be there for me no matter what. I'm pretty fuckin' lucky.

I'm finally done

2010-05-11T14:24:00.002-04:00

After 5 years, my college career has come to an end. I have finished up my last day of classes today. It still doesn't feel real. Now it's time for me to grow up and face the real world head on. I plan on venturing out to Korea but I'm nervous, it's such a big change.

“Let your mind start a journey thru a strange new world. Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before. Let your soul take you where you long to be...Close your eyes let your spirit start to soar, and you'll live as you've never lived before .”

I have no choice but to move on with this chapter in my life and create a new one. New memories, new beginnings, new mistakes, new fuck-ups, and above all, new learning experiences. Hawaii was a Journey, UMass Dartmouth was a journey, having boyfriends was a journey, high school, life, life itself is a journey, we never know what the hell is going to happen to us tomorrow. All we have is today, and today I'm sitting in a car waiting for my friend to arrive, venting away and passing time while listening to Adele. The sun is out, the trees and plants are in full bloom. What could be better than this right now? Seriously.

I'm kind of bummed, but happy too. Prof Houser is by far my favorite professor I've ever had, she has such a great personality and just-- I just love being able to break through walls of people and seeing their soft side. She's been pretty sick and had to leave class for the last month or so of school which is a huge Debbie D. She has inspired me to continue writing, to move forward with it. I was in fiction class with professor O'Neil and we talked about famous authors and how they get really frustrated with their writing. When I heard that I felt so much better knowing that they go through the same aggravations I do but push through it, through those hard times.

It reminds me of working out or any other type of art, you just have to push through. You have your good days where you can run or workout, and you feel on top of the world. It's the same with writing. I remember one professor I had, Professor Rodney Morales, a really cute little guy that I had at UH Manoa, really nice man too. He compared writing to his running, when we feel good, we achieve that running "high" and he said "this is why I do this, this is why I run" but then he also mentioned how when you run on those days when you don't want to, if it's wicked cold out or raining and you're just like "fuck my life."

I think I would like to write a book or if not, maybe one day just put all these blogs together, regardless if anyone reads them.

That's all :)

JuJubee

2010-05-09T23:23:00.002-04:00

GURLLLLL

Can I just tell you that I did something scandalous this weekend!

GURRLL, I made out with the one and only Jujubee from Rupauls Drag Race!

I was clearly intoxicated. I don't know what it is about her but every time I see her in drag i'm just like MMMMMMHHHMM! She's super cute, and not to mention super friendly.

I got her digits and I sent her messages thanking her for biting off my lower lip and she didn't know who it was, so I sent her a picture and she responded with something like "oh my god ya big fart, how are you!" (Because she used the word "fart" made me lover her even more, potty humor :D)

She thanks me for coming out and asked me if I had a good time. I totally did, she was super nice-- and real! I do feel kind of guilty because I've only seen about 2 episodes of the show. Is it kind of cold of me to think that I'm super special because I made out with someone who is putting a name out there for herself!? I don't know, I guess I just felt honored, regardless if she was trashed ^_^

Don't Stop Dreaming

2010-05-07T14:09:00.003-04:00

I sat in my Fiction class the other day and we had to watch this video clip on Amy Tan. I don't know if you guys know who she is, but she's an author, famous for her book The Joy Luck Club. Anyways, we watched this video called "Where Does Creativity Hide?"

http://www.whatworks.biz/2009/tedcom/ I know that the video is cut off so I posted a link to it as well.

And I don't know, for some reason it was just, really inspiring to continue with writing and push forth to pursue writing a book. Tan explained the hardships and my professor told us how yes when it comes to writing and even famous authors have difficulties, sometimes I think I'm the only one, so it feels good when all these successful writers go through the same struggles, they're human too.

Especially right now in my life, I'm legit just about done with school. I have one day of classes left, two papers to hand in and then, ladies and gentleman, I am offically done done done done with my undergraduate career.

After five long years of going through hardships of breaking my leg (I feel like I've written about this already), learning how to walk again and then going into a major that I absolutely hated, dealing with a few friends dying throughout college, building up the courage to dive again, going to Hawaii, considering about transferring and then last minute deciding to come back, fully getting back into 3 meter diving, venturing out and making friends that aren't on the swim team. I can truly say that I have had a crazy half decade. Living in a freshman dorm as a senior, living on campus for the summer and finally living off campus an a little apartment in Fall River.

I hope that that I'm capable of telling my crazy stories to other people and help prosperous college students down the road about what to expect with professors, life, dealing with roommates etc etc. Where am I going with this post? :)

Oh life.

We Spin, We Stumble, We Spin Again

2010-05-06T12:09:00.002-04:00

Colum McCann’s “Let the Great World Spin” revolves around the concept that with love comes loss and with loss comes love. With McCann’s lavish and vivid detail, this book is sure to consume you with its higher-than-life meanings, and its ability to instantly take you back in time where America suffered from post Vietnam depression and New York City was in a slump.

Set in August in the 1970’s, the City of New York paused in amazement as one man, danced across the sky, 110 stories above the busy bustling streets. Readers can’t help but to relate the similar spectacle within the book to what happened decades later on September 11^th, 2001; where the entire world froze in silence as the twin towers came crashing down. It was a devastating event in history that parallel’s McCann’s book because it brought people together through a single and shocking event.

Phillipe Petit, the one man everyone watched, briefly thrilled the New York people for a little over an hour, but in that hour thousands were amazed and dumbfounded at how he came so close to death, but play with it like string under his feet “He was pureness moving…He was inside and outside his body at the same time, indulging in what it meant to belong to the air.” He attracts people, amazed at his skills and how he moves with grace. McCann’s characters could speculate the tightrope walker as a godly figure, a figure in which they search for within themselves: to be able to stare at death and accept it for what it is, how each day we dance on a thin wire that is death and with a slip of the foot or a subtle blow in the breeze can send us off balance and falling to our fates.

However, McCann’s story isn’t told through the eyes of one person, but through many. McCann does a spectacular job at transitioning characters throughout the book.

“Let the Great World Spin” is a smooth read from start to finish. His writing is like a gentle river that flows down stream on a warm summer afternoon. However, at the end of his river lies a damn that halts the reader only to transition again to another viewpoint, to a different person, to a different conflict. Each conflict is separated into chapters and as the chapters continue the conflicts start to intertwine with each other; allowing for his audience to make their own self-discoveries.

Ciaran, an Irish immigrant that moved to the U.S only to find his libertarian brother helping prostitutes in the Bronx, strives to understand why his brother is the way he is and also strives to make a new life for himself in the “land of opportunity.” Tillie, a convicted prostitute that grew up on the streets of New York “Hooking was born in me. That’s no exaggeration. I never wanted no square job.” and Claire, who deals with the heart wrench of the Vietnam War but the gain of a valuable friendship. Them along with others, all have their own story to tell, grieving over the loss of her only son.

For audiences that seek a tear-jerker this summer, this is the perfect book for it. Through this gentle flowing book you will relate someway, somehow to one of the characters that strive for something more than just the day-by-day living, but rather, the ability to come to terms with their life choices and coping with things that are out of their control. It’s amazing how sometimes we wonder how we’ll ever get through those difficult times but we manage, we always do, McCann shows that.

It may seem that this is the perfect book, however, what the story makes up for in character, plot and detail, it lacks in its ending. It was almost as if McCann ended the story too abruptly, not all the stories seemed to fully intertwine together (or maybe I just didn’t understand all the concepts he threw at me). There was a piece of the puzzle that was still missing. I remember flipping the page over and seeing nothing but a blank white page and saying to myself, “THAT’S IT!?”

However, if you’re looking for a book to thrill your heart, make you look at the world in a different way and give you an emotional feel for the characters, McCann does an outstanding job. Guaranteed this will be a cannon of books to read for high school students, just like the true events that happened in history, this one is another to go down in history books (no pun intended).

2010-04-29T01:56:00.001-04:00

HOB

With world class dj’s, a massive dance floor, and pulsating beats to make you dance even if you’re sober, The House of Blues’ gay night on Saturday’s is where it’s at. Gays in Boston don’t go out just to go out, they go out to be seen. And boy, there is quite a scene on Saturdays.

As soon as you walk into the House of Blues the techno bass streams through the concrete floor like a pebble dropped in mirror reflected water. Even waiting in line gives you excitement; you can hear it through the doors. Walk even further and the lights turn dim; all you see are hundreds of men moving to the beat of the dj’s anthems. Turn to your left or right and muscular bartenders in tank tops are happy to flirt and give you any drink you wish. Be warned, prices aren’t cheap. A beer can run you $7.00 and Kettle One on the rocks? Add 4 more bucks to the beer’s price.

If you can get over the expensive drinks, the rest of your night shouldn’t be too bad. The men there are fashionistas. Armani Exchange shirts and Diesel jeans typically rule the “catwalk” there. You’ll have your pick of the litter: jocks, daddies, foreigners, twinks and bears all come together for this one night extravaganza.

As the night progresses get ready for the dancers to appear. Men in speedo’s or underwear with giant black boots climb on platforms spread throughout the dance floor create more sexual tension. These go-go boys arrive with chiseled six packs so defined you can grade cheese right on them and buns so toned you can bounce a quarter off. They will be sure to make your mouth water with sexual desire, but unfortunately their straight. Enjoy the eye candy for what it is and if you’re that desperate bring some dollar bills, they’ll be happy to flirt.

Every weekend has a different theme with a different dj to allow variety in music and performances. DJ Dena (one of the most famous LGBT dj’s in Boston), dj Ranny, and Paulo are some of the most recent ones, mixing up the top hits in the US and around the world.

As your night continues be careful not to lose your party or friends, the dance floor is so giant you can literally get lost in the crowds. If you’re not a dancer the long strips of bars are great to converse and the dance floor spectacle is truly one worth watching.

The House of Blues is located on Lansdown Street in Boston, right behind Fenway park. Get there before 11 and it’s free cover charge, but 15 bucks after that. Be warned, the line to get in is somewhat of a hassle, you must wait in line to purchase a ticket and then another to get inside the doors. However, the House of Blues Saturday is a night worth doing, not every weekend but it’s a good change of pace for something loud, exciting and entertaining.

Is It the Chippi Talking?

2010-04-26T14:44:00.002-04:00

For some reason whenever I have a Chippi I feel on top of the world. For those of you who have know idea what a Chippi is, maybe this will help. Picture a mysterious ice coffee drink that tastes absolutely amazing. As a person who despises coffee I can't get enough of them. They are pretty high in fat but they taste super good. They are also loaded with a lot of sugar and caffeine, probably why I get such a good high after I have one.

Anyways, I was volunteering today, and just, I think I'm becoming a lot more relaxed with the kids. They're awesome, once you understand their personalities and know how they act they're easy to discipline, and if you're able to relate to them on their level they are more inclined to listen to you. You're not just that authority figure who they don't know, but rather, that person who understands them. I thought to myself today "Andrew, you're going to make a damn good teacher." I feel like throughout my whole life I'm able to read people's personality's and understand them/accept them for who they are. There are a slight few that I can't stand, but of course, that's normal. There's always THAT person.

There was one student today who I thought hated me, (which is fine, I don't take it personally...did someone kick sand in my eyes? Why am I crying!? :P) but he was doing wrap beats under his hands and I was being goofy and just tried to dance to his flow, he thought that was a riot and smiled, so after we talked. I previously thought he was such a terrible kid because I had to yell at him before. I feel like now If I do have to yell/scold him he will be more inclined to listen to me and not be fresh.

Also, there is this one little girl that I sit next to sometimes that likes to quote movies, and if you know me well enough, especially when I'm with my brother, we quote movies all the time.

***

On another note. I had a thought today. I really shouldn't be worried about having a boyfriend. Like, I know I'm a good person that has a lot to offer and I know that the guy I'm with will be super loving and caring. I just have to give it time and live life the best I can. Maybe I'm just excited because I'm ending one chapter in my life and moving onto another one and have those thoughts of "I'm going to make the best of my life and enjoy it to its fullest"

I think one of the sexiest/sweetest things a boyfriend can do for you is when you're depressed, and your man notices and comes up to you, gives you that gentle kiss on the lips and says: "Hey, I love you." and then the warm embraced hug after. I think about that and it makes me smile. I really want a guy I can be goofy with. Like have a handstand contest at the beach, or crack "The Office" quotes, or just sit and have a good philosophical conversation, interpret the world.

Only time will bring all these wishes :)

Ginger Park? Yes Please!

2010-04-25T22:12:00.002-04:00

Once known for its Indian taste, has currently transitioned over to South Asian cuisine. Like Buddha himself, Ginger Park is truly a calm, relaxed, and original atmosphere that must be experienced. From taste, touch, smell and even your eyes, the food is creative along with the restaurants architecture. For newbies who have yet to have their cherries popped, will definitely have an “O” face as soon as they step into Ginger Park’s doors.

The atmosphere hits you like a gust of warm wind to the face on a summer evening. Everyone is relaxed with smiles on their faces. The sociable staff greets you, not because they have to, but it seems they want to. With its gay friendly vibe there was no shortage of Martini’s and Kettle One’s on the rocks seen at the packed and soothing lit bar.

The restaurant appears to have a futuristic, dim lit cave theme; or massive raindrops ready to “droop” from the ceilings. A picture is worth a thousand words, right? Everywhere you look is art, from the walls to the ceiling; I couldn’t help but act like a child and touch almost everything. Even the bathroom doors were original. Not the typical man or woman sign, but white doors that blended into the wall with nothing but the Mars and Venus Gender symbol. If your jaw doesn’t drop on the way to your seat, or if you don’t trip over anything from not looking at where you’re going, give yourself a pat on the back.

With its large selection of raw, cold, hot entrees, and noodles, Ginger Park caters to almost anyone, and because the menu changes daily, the staff and chefs are willing to make any accommodations at your request.

Ginger Park has a lot of South Asian and some Hawaiian style food. “Tuna Poke” (pronounced po-kay) is raw tuna mixed with Avocado and seasoned with sesame seeds. The dish is one to make your mouth orgasm with its boatload of taste and appearance. As a person who has lived in Hawaii, Poke has been impossible to find in New England. Each meal on the menu is reasonably portioned, and should be shared with others at your table. Sharing food is common among Asian cultures, especially Korean, and it allows for a better social gathering experience.

Along with the Tuna Poke, some other options on the menu were the Bi Bim Bap (a Korean dish); a twice cooked pork belly, Chilli & Kimchi too delicious to put down. There is a whole mixture of flavors in your mouth, all mixed in as one, it’s not too spicy, not too hot but melts in your mouth. The Chicken & Chive Siew Mai lacks in size. However it makes up for in taste and is a great meal starter. Picture a dumpling only a little bitter filled with chicken.

What was really baffling were the prices, everything was reasonable and the wine list seemed endless. If you’re looking for a place to impress your friends or a first date, Ginger Park found on Washington Street in Boston will certainly give you brownie points. Be adventurous with the menu, try something new; guaranteed it will leave a lasting impression on you and who ever you’re with.

I Kind of Wished I Played Rugby

2010-04-25T17:27:00.002-04:00

I probably know what you're thinking: "Yeah Andrew, you just want to play so you can be with those beefy guys." Well that's partial but that's not the main reason. I mean seriously, true every gay man may think that, but there's more to it.

I feel like rugby guys share a bond with each other and for the most part they are non judgmental. (Well, at least the UMass Dartmouth rugby team that is) They seem like a bunch of crazy characters all there for the love of the sport. After I watched my first rugby game, I hung out with some alumni that were on the team that I used to drink with last year too, a bunch of really mellow guys. They pretty much had the mentality of: If you like to drink beer and chill out, then this is the sport and the team for you.

I'm not sure if the rumors are true, but, I'm pretty sure rugby players are big beer drinkers too.

Other than that, if you are respectable and are caring they're caring also. Maybe it's because you legit have to be so close with the guys on your team in games. you're going under each others legs, getting lifted into the air by your shorts, some guys are holding you buy your ass, others are giving you an atomic wedgie. You're tackling other guys and trying to help your own team. I don't know, it makes me think that rugby is a sport I would like to do sometime when I get a little older, maybe play in the gay league or something, depending on where I end up later in life.

And have you seen the New Zealand or rather the polynesian rugby teams? They are absolutely incredible. And their chant is pretty effin' cool too.

I'm done with the guessing games

2010-04-21T21:29:00.002-04:00

Being a gay guy you always wonder, almost all the time, if a guy that you see/meet is gay. I don't have the best gay dar so if I see an attractive guy I'm always like... "hmm, I wonder." But then I hear about all these closet cases or like, you get your hopes up. My friend made a good point the other day. He said "god, just because a guy talks to you you think he's gay." Yeah, good point. I can't help it though! 90% of my friends are women, and I think I can count on 2 hands my gay friends, I don't have that many. But the other day a cop said he wanted my number, I whipped out my phone and then he points to his ring and says "look it, I'm married." Why the eff did you say that? Was he just wanting attention?

Today, I could of sworn I saw a guy check me out outside of the library, he was kind of attractive but at the same time, I'm just like... "If you really like me or if you really want to get to know me, don't play the games." (I'm pretty sure I just over analyze simple situations) I've dealt with one closet case in my life and I'm tired of playing guessing games. I think a lot of gay men have a fantasy of doing a straight guy or "changing" the straight guy. I think deep down I feel the same way but it's a waste of time.

It reminds me of woman who think they can "change" their man... "but I can change him", "he's changeable", "but if only..." not, not if only. If a guy can't deal with with being out and open with their sexuality it is not worth your time. It's like if you really want to be with them you have to put yourself back into the closet, not being able to be who you want to be to please them.

It's an emotional disaster, you're at the peak of the mountain while they're looking up at you, you have your hand out to help them up but they refuse, they're scared to take that leap, they're scared to climb up that mountain. I think I'm writing this because it's to remind myself that yeah, I see a lot of attractive guys all over the place and of course, if we find someone attractive, we can't help but look, but I think I'm starting eliminate that voice (or trying to) that says "oh, what if." No, not what if, or if only... It is what it is. I also say to myself a lot "nothing ventured nothing gained." But I think we have to limit ourselves.

A friend of mine made a good point. Straight people can flirt and talk to people anywhere! In the grocery store, at the mall, in line at a convenient store. Us gays are really limited. We have to be careful who we talk to, if they're gay or not, and if they're not are they gonna flip their shit on us? I think that's why it's really common for gay men to hit up the internet more and meet people that way. Is that wrong? If not the internet, where else do we have? Gay Bars, Night Clubs, if we're lucky at plays or in gay cities like Provincetown and Ogunquit (to name the few).

I messed around with one guy that goes to UMass Dartmouth about a year ago and to this day I hear girls tell me that he hits on them and such, it makes me angry. Like, this guy can get away with playing the field. But I guess if we look deeper into it he's only hurting himself at the end. Poor guy. I think I'm writing this because I have to write a story for one of my classes and I'm reflecting back (again) on one of my past relationships dealing with a closet case. I also think I wrote a blog similar to this a while back?

On another note, I went to the gym the other day and I did a really intense leg workout that almost made me faint. Like, legit, I had to lay down on some mats and take deep breaths, am I out of shape or did I just do a really awesome workout? Any who, I was at the gym today doing that same workout and I stopped a set short because this wicked jacked body builder guy was waiting for my machine, I was kind of intimidated and in my head I said "yeah, you're done, I mean like you did a hard workout anyways so you should probably stop." I need to learn not to do that.

Also, my good friend and I are trying to plan a vacation this summer. We're thinking PTown (or Fire Island) for the 4th, but I'm afraid it's going to be full of raging lesbians(not saying that's a bad thing :P)

All in all, today was a great day, I went to my first UMass Dartmouth Baseball game and MMM MMMM those baseball boys!

My Fair Lady Review

2010-04-19T01:25:00.004-04:00

The Rain Poured in Spain

The costume display was faulty at times. Not to be nit picky, but one background character wore a belt that can be purchased at Hot Topic. A black leather strap with silver holes going around it, holding up his brown paints; a fashion faux pas to say the least. However, one of the most spectacular outfits of the evening was Eliza’s yellow dress at the horse race, her eloquent dress looked like it was out of a late 18 to early 1900’s bourgeoisie. The way the dress draped over her, and her hat, it all looked as if it came from Christian Siriano’s final pieces on Project runway, truly breathtaking.

“My Fair Lady,” directed by Caitlin Lowans, is like a stroll in the park on a warm, and sunny day; you enjoy the scenery and the company of others but you don’t want to have dirty homeless people stuttering, and begging for money in your face. It ruins your relaxing day, taking you back to reality, a reality in which you paid 20 bucks to lose yourself in for a few hours.

The classic, and comical story of a poor young woman, Eliza Doolittle (Robyn Lee) who is taken in by the handsome doctor Henry Higgins (Timothy Smith), who accepted a bet to see if Eliza can speak proper English in three months. Who would have thought the phrase “The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain” would be so funny (and famous!)? Aristocrat, Higgens and dirty ol’ Doolittle, the town florist, pair up in the classic play that, for the most part will have you tearing out your hair, and wanting to scream saying “For Christ sakes, just make out already!” Their sexual chemistry is seat gripping.

However, some of the other important characters, Higgin’s friend Pickering (Russell Garrett), destroy the musical illusion for the audience. His forgetful lines will have any amateur theater watcher guess that his acting job is like the hobo in the park. “Uhm uhm uhm Higgins, uhm uhm, I do say uhm!” Perhaps it was opening night jitters, but it really put a damper on “My Fair Lady.” Also, the sound system was funky, there were voices going over the speakers of people that weren’t in the play. If it wasn’t, and other cast members like the hysterical Alfred Doolittle (Paul Farwell) “I’m gettin’ married in the morning!” and the charming good looks of Freddy Eynsford-Hill (Michael Buckley), the play would have, no doubt poured all over Spain.

The Stoneham Theater in Massachusetts is a beautiful little place, bringing in that “majestic” look. It’s in the middle of downtown, however, parking isn’t the best. The staff are happy greet, ask how you are, and crack a joke or two; making you feel welcome. There are no bad seats, so no need for your binoculars.

Modern audiences can relate “My Fair Lady” to the movie “She’s All That” where the main character is offered a bet to turn the ugly girl into a pretty prom date. And Stewie from “Family Guy,” who attempts to change the way his British neighbor speaks. “The life of the wife was ended by the wife.”

My Fair Lady will be playing from April 8^th – May 2^nd. Tickets are on sale for $44.00 (standard seating). The dress is casual. Maybe the actors are over their stage fright, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I Almost Fainted and It was AWESOME

2010-04-13T21:48:00.002-04:00

I was really tired from staying up late the night before because I was working on a revision paper of one of my professors. I'm not a huge fan of her, she's funny but she's very vague and I feel as though she doesn't like me too much, which is fine. Luckily, I had my good friend Sara to help me out along the way, I don't know what I would do without her, she has been so helpful and patient with me, I owe her a lot.

Anyways, I went to classes today, came home, did some reading and then took a nice long nap. I awoke not really feeling like going to the gym but I knew that I needed to. "You'll feel better after you go Andrew." I said to myself.

So. I got my butt up and went to Workout World. I'm doing lunges with some light weight, a workout I usually do, I realized it is getting easier so therefor my body has gotten used to it. A trainer that I have worked with before, a semi-pro football player that has worked with P90X multiple time as well as Insanity work out, went to Tennessee State University and played D1 football there, so this guy is kind of in tip top shape.

We go to the free weights and we start doing all these crazy lunges and squats with 135 pounds on my shoulders . I don't think I have ever done stuff like this in a very long time, my body was definitely feeling it in a way that screamed "OH MY GOD!" so we did some more exercises, focusing on more legs and and calfs. By the end of it my heart rate was through the roof!

After, we ventured towards the abs section, I did 1 set of abs and after that I felt like I was going to vomit. I told the instructor "We need to stop." My heart rate didn't feel that high but I felt like it was getting hard to breathe and I felt dizzy standing up. I got really light headed, and went over to a yoga ball to sit down. I then went to the floor and said "I'm done, I can't do anymore." My trainer started laughing, he definitely pushed me to a level that I haven't been in in a long while. A workout like that makes me realize that I need to get to that point every time in my workouts. I need to hit that intensity to see the changes within myself.

The Hours

2010-04-11T13:36:00.005-04:00

I'm currently reading the book The Hours.

I heard some good things about and I have to read it for class and at first the book was hard to read... As an english major I should read more but don't. I figured this will help me to get back into the loop of reading. I know the more I read the easier it will be for me to write. There was one part in the book that hit me, I don't know if me and Michael Cunningham (the author) have the same thoughts, and I'm pretty sure he's gay (yup, just checked wikipedia).

I'll write down this one part in the book:

These two girls standing beside Clarissa, twenty if not younger, defiantly hefty, slouching into each other, laden with brightly colored bags from discount stores; these two girls will grow to middle and then old age, either wither or bloat; the cemeteries in which they're buried will fall eventually into ruin, the grass grown wild, browsed at night by dogs; and then all that remains of these girls is a few silver fillings lost underground the woman in the trailer, be she Meryl Streep or Vanessa Redgrave or even Susan Sarandon, will still be known. She will exist in archives, in books; her recorded voices will be stored away among other precious and venerated objects. (P. 50 - 51)

I'm sure everyone has thought about this but for some reason, the way it written just hit me in a way. What is the purpose of life? To be remembered? To make the most out of it so we can be thought of as a famous person in history? Does it matter? These actors and actresses will shape the way people view the past, a part of life that everyone liked. Very interesting. And what I thought was coincidental was before I read that of the story, I heard Jay - Z's new song which is kind of similar:

Fear not when, fear not why,

fear not much while we're alive,

life is for living not living up tight,

see ya somewhere up in the sky,

fear not die, i'll be alive for a million years, bye bye,

so not for legends, I'm forever young

my name shall survive

through the darkest blocks, over kitchen stoves,

over Pyrex pot, my name shall be passed down to generations while debating up in barber shops,

young slung, hung here,

shorty, the n-gga from here

with a little ambition just what we can become here

I don't really have a point but just needed to write this.

I love warm weather

2010-04-03T23:58:00.002-04:00

I think New Englanders or rather, people that have to deal with all four seasons have a great appreciation for the warm weather months.

My friend Moe and I went out to Boston today just to walk around, enjoy each other's company, talk, people watch and feel the warm sun on our bodies. It was absolutely incredible, Boston Common was filled with people, almost as if people were waiting for a concert to start. Was there a concert that was going to start? But people were in their shorts and T-shirts, some trying to play frisbee while other sat on their blankets, relaxed and chit chatted. We walked along the streets and it felt like we were in New York City. The streets were jammed with people walking every which way and no one seemed to be in a bad mood, which is uncommon for New Englanders (for the most part).

I mean, we're so miserable during the winter, waking up early, drudging through the snow to get to our cars, trying not to slip on ice, trying to control ourselves on the road, running from place to place to get warm, finally getting inside and having the temperature to be cranked up that you're constantly taking off and putting on layers. I guess the only good thing about it is, when it comes to doing work we feel a little better about doing it.

But with nice weather, we're like little kids, getting all anxious, not wanting to be inside because we feel like we're going to miss out on something. No? Is that just me? Haha, anyways, to say the least it was a good day and it reminds me that summer is coming back soon enough, I can't wait!

Ke$ha = Diarrhea to the Ears

2010-03-31T16:26:00.001-04:00

What do you get when you cross electro-pop trash with unoriginal lyrics that makes Lady Gaga look like a goddess? Ke$ha’s new CD: Animal, that’s what. This new artist seemed to have grown overnight like a nasty weed in a garden full of roses, by her new sensation “Tik-Tok”, and recent “Blah blah blah” (yeah, real original). She is taking radio stations over by storm. Unfortunately this new teen pop sensation will soon be fed with liquid venom or pulled out of the ground by her roots. Ke$ha is as “classy” as they come, like Lindsay Lohan’s cooch picture.

Lady Gaga, a woman that hit the charts and left 100’s of millions of people all over the world “speechless” and an army of gays worshipping her at her feet, has created a real “monster”: Gaga impersonators. Ke$ha’s music is similar to the new craze Gaga has put out. Her music combines pop music with electronics allowing her songs to easily be mixed and reused again in nightclubs.

Unfortunately, Ke$ha (no, not with a regular “s” which makes her even more tacky) is the trailer park version of Gaga. Her appearance makes her out to have woken up from a sever weekend hangover and is in dire need of a shower, her bleach blond beach hair is scrummy and out of control. It wouldn’t amaze me that she tries to make the “walk of shame” become a new fad for 13 year-old gils. As well as her appearance, Ke$ha takes auto-tune to a new level, with almost every song auto-tuned she could be the new T-Pain, or better yet, Cher. Her constant high and low transitions will give anyone a headache.

She has no talent with her vocals and her lyrics are anything but tasteful. Songs like “Dinosaur” where she sings about old men hitting on her. Old man/ Why are you starrin' at me/ Mack on me and my friends its kinda a creepy/ You should be prowling around the Old folks home/ Come on dude!/ Leave us alone and “Mr. Watson,” where she fantasizes about her history teacher. Mr. Watson I Want To Get With You/ I Won't Tell A Soul What We're Gonna Do/ Want To Get My Hands In Your Khaki Pants/ Teacher, Teacher, what cha' gonna do?/ (Teacher what cha' gonna do?) 'Cause I am coming on to you. Thank god for auto tune because she can’t hit those notes if she tried.

If you have ever played of Super Mario the Nintendo around 20 – 25 years back you may be familiar with the sounds you hear in her songs.

It’s unfortunate how this young woman of only 23, received an almost perfect score on her SAT’s, dropped out of school to finish her GED on her own and is now on the top of the billboards. Ke$ha, you’re a temporary hit only to allow music to evolve through your mistakes and terrible image on what pop music shouldn’t be.

PUNKS!

2010-03-24T17:48:00.002-04:00

So, today I went in to volunteer at an elementary school. The school shall remain nameless and so shall student and faculty names, (even though I don't remember half of the kids names so that's not a problem)

I don't get why these kids don't like to listen. If I knew why they acted the way they did I think I would have a better grasp on the situation at hand and therefore not have to yell at them all the time when they're being disruptive or bad.

Today I was in charge of bringing a 4th grade class to the bathroom, a fairly easy job, right? I noticed with myself I'm becoming more outgoing and friendly with the kids, I guess when you hang around the same students a few times you get used to their personalities and how they act.

So, standard procedure is to let three boys and three girls go into the bathroom, if a boy comes out, let another one in etc. Well, soon enough considering the teacher was in her room the boys thought it would be great to goof off and act disruptive. I heard banging and laughing in the boys room (go figure) and so I couldn't stand back and let someone else do the disciplining, it was all on me. I had to step in and be the authoritative figure.

This one boy, I don't remember what his name was, was standing by the wall with a shit eating grin on his face. I asked him what he was doing. "I'm stretching!"

OH HELL NO! I thought to myself.

"No, get out of the bathroom."

"but i'm stretching"

"I don't care! GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM!" I yelled, his eyes got a little bigger. I don't think he realized that I had that in me. I didn't realize I had that in me either.

"I have to wash my hands! He's in the way." there were two sinks and of course this little shit stain wouldn't even use the empty sink.

"GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM, NOW!" I yelled at him. He was just about to leave and then he saw his teacher and that's when he knew he was in trouble. He booked it as soon as he saw her. Oh my god she came right in the nick of time. THANK YOU GOD. I totally wanted to hug her.

I know that when I was that young I would never EVER EVER EVER do stuff like that to double cross my teacher or a helper, and if I ever did I would feel so bad after being yelled at. I don't know, I mean understand that he is growing up in a completely different time in a completely different atmosphere, they're in a city where he lives is one of the poorest in the state at a very rough economical time and I don't know anything about his home life is. But for some reason this kid just has a cold soul, like he isn't really enthusiastic about anything, maybe school isn't his thing. Which is fine. But what I like to do is find something someone is passionate about and have them stick with it. Or try to encourage them to do something in that.

What I do know is, I am determined to stick with this group of kids for a few reasons. 1. They are pushing me out of my comfort zone to be more authoritative. 2. I like working with some of them because they have a good personalities and are total goof balls. 3. I know that if I can work with these guys I will be able to handle Korea a little better when I have to discipline them. I know my voice is loud and intimidating, but I need to observe the teacher and see how she disciplines them. I would really like to talk with her because she seems like a down to earth woman, even though if I was one of her students I would probably be so scared of her if she yelled at me. and finally 4. I got to read in front of the entire class today. Like a whole chapter in a book and all the kids had to listen to me, some of them have ADD and were disruptive, others sat there in awe listening to the story, one boy fell asleep.

These kids say the funniest things too, I am becoming more comfortable with them, which is good. I know in the long run I'll be okay but other than that I mean I think it's just good practice for me. I talked in front of the whole class and for me to do that is a huge deal. It's really difficult for me to be a public speaker and I think for the most part these kids don't care, they are just looking for someone to help them out. Okay, I'm rambling now.

That's my vent session for today.

I am a DIRTY GURL

2010-03-16T17:43:00.002-04:00

I don't know why but when it comes to hanging out with my best friend Edson it always turns into a total shit storm (it's my new phrase, thanks "Zombieland").

Me and him have a ritual where we try and see each other once a month or once every other month. It's hard to do when we both have different schedules and we live over 200 miles apart, so when we get together it's always a big event.

I honestly enjoy going down to see him because there is more to do and his family is super lax and he has his own section of the house, and not to mention he has a dog :D. So, during this weekend it was a really bad shit storm(see! :P), the basement flooded and I was stuck in my house for a while and I needed to get away. So I ventured down to where he works which is in Greenwich CT, (very beautiful area).

As soon as I arrive he has Chicken Taco's waiting for me at the bar and he orders me a margarita. Now, for people that don't know my friend Edson, he looooves to drink and he knows how to party. I wasn't even half way through my margarita when he goes to the bartender "Can we take a shot of Tequila?" In my head I screamed OH NO!

Edson and tequila are best friends, they do everything together, when I think of Edson I think of tequila. So, the bartender pours us a shot and I noticed something "Edson that's a big shot!"

Edson: It's 2 ounces

me: that's 2 shots in one!?

He smiles and gives me the shot that's in a tall glass, fml

We clink our glasses together and down the hatch, ohhh boy. Tears pour from my face and I'm praying for the taste to leave my mouth as soon as possible (it's normal).

I finish my margarita, he orders me another one and on top of that we have ANOTHER double shot of tequila. We met up with Edson's friends Diego and Adrian, very nice guys. We went into the city to a place called G-lounge. The go-go dancers weren't the best there but there was one that had the nicest booty I've ever seen, creamed my pants a little :P. The drinks keep flowing, my buzz keeps increasing, i'm really feeling drunk at this point. After a little stay at G-lounge we head over to Hiro Ballroom, It's a pretty cool club with a decent sized dance floor. And it's asian themed so even better.

We met up with Edson's other Friends Liam and his boyfriend Danny, who's an interesting character to say the least. Danny made me try some drink of his that tasted GOD AWEFUL, i'm thinking about it right now and it's making me gag.

You know when you drink something and it doesn't settle in your stomach and you know it's going to come up?? well... mine came up, and I wasn't in the bathroom when it happened either, I was on the side of the fucking dance floor! I'M THAT GIRL!! Danny tried his best to get me to the bathroom but I threw up in my mouth the second time and unleashed it in a nearby trash barrel. One thing I love about New York gays, they don't give a shit, I don't know if I was too drunk to even notice what was going on or what, but no one said anything, no one gave me a dirty look, I was just another face in the crowd.

All in all it was a memorable time... from what I remember. I don't remember leaving, I don't know how long we stayed for, I do remember going back to Diego's where we had some Mcdonalds breakfast and we drove back to Edson's... I didn't get to bed until 7:30am awesome.

I'm glad I went, the phrase "nothing ventured nothing gained" repeats in my head, if I never went down I wouldn't have had a crazy story with my best friend and this spring break would have been totally bland. So, WAHOO!

Where Andrew Wants to Go

2010-03-14T17:32:00.003-04:00

So,

I have been doing some research on South Korea and i'm pretty freakin' excited for it. Yes yes I'm nervous but I think the more research I do and the more I try to prepare myself my anxiety will go down. I was looking through different places throughout the world where they are offering teaching overseas and I thought of making myself a list of places I would like to teach before I die. I'm not sure if this is actually going to happen, but I think if I look at this list it will help me to accomplish my dream goals.

1. South Korea

2. Cambodia

3. Vietnam.

4. Thailand

5. Malaysia

6. Brazil

7. Argentina

8. Chile

9. Peru

10. Costa Rica

11. Italy

12. Fiji

13. Samoa or American Samoa

14. Guam

15. Philippines

16. Tahiti

17. Tonga

18. New Zealand

19. Australia

And yeah, I'm not too sure if i'll be able to accomplish this but I think that if I can at least accomplish half of it I'll be down. :)

On another note, my basement flooded again and for some reason I hate working with my father, I don't know if I already said this, but i'm not a fan of someone just barking orders at me all the time especially when they don't make sense.

I'm home for spring break and I have been accused of being a lush, I made myself a mixed drink before going out on Friday night and my mom goes "you've been drinking too much lately." I responded, "Huh? what are you talking about?"

Mom: "you drank a whole bottle of wine last night."

Me:"what's your point?"

Are we living in an age where binge drinking just goes unnoticed for people in my generation? or is it because my mom has kind of layed off boose so she can lose weight and therefore judging others for it. Who knows, All I know is, I'm on spring break, it's my last spring break and i'm making the most of it.

I watched Sex and the City the other day and a good quote that I forgot about

Samantha Jones after throwing her martini in Richard Right's Face

"Dirty Martini?

Dirty Bastard!"

That's all, I hope everyone else's day is going a lot better than mine.

Writing Reviews: Modern Family

2010-03-10T22:08:00.009-05:00

Modern Family

What do you get when you cross a dysfunctional family, a gay couple and newlyweds that contain a hot Columbian woman with her husband that’s old enough to be her father? ABC’s new comedy series “Modern Family,” that’s what. Created by Christopher Lloyed, famous for his show “Frasier” and Steven Levitan’s “Just Shoot Me,” brings the word “wow” to a place no other show has gone before. ABC’s new show makes fun of almost every stereotype in American society leaving viewers laughing and relating to the outlandish characters. Audiences wont be disappointed by this new half hour comedy.

Part “Brady Bunch” part “Will and Grace,” “Modern Family” has the sassiness of Jack McFarland with the poorly, yet comical attempts of fatherly wisdom of Mike Brady. Audiences from all walks of life will find a character they can relate to. From the over protective mom, Claire (Julie Bowen), that doesn’t want her three kids to make the same mistakes she did. And her husband Phil (Ty Burrell) with his beady eyes, tries too hard to relate to his kids on a level that no parent should ever go. “I'm cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face.”

Opposites attract when Jay (Ed O’Neil, best known as Al Bundy in “Married With Children”) encounters complications of marrying a woman half his age that has the beauty of a Columbian goddess, Gloria (Sofia Vergara). It’s no doubt her attractive good looks will appeal to straight men. Gloria, a high-on-life woman desperately seeks a better life in a new country for her and her 11 year-old son, Manny. But be careful, she’ll cut a bitch.

Finally, adding more mayhem and laughter, Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) and Mitchell (Jesse Furgeson), a gay couple, have recently adopted a Vietnamese baby. Mitchell is a very defensive lawyer and Cameron, a husky flamboyant man with a big heart and is one scene away from joining a Broadway musical. Gay viewers will relate to the issues these deal with on a daily basis with the opinions and views of their friends and society.

Lloyed and Levitan designed “Modern Family” to be a mocumentary. Where characters engage with the camera and cast members talk about their lives, almost like the MTV’s “Real World” confession booths. Audiences that know shows like “The Office” and “Parks and Recreations” will recognize the camera angles and sarcastic, quick one liner after another humor. The pace always changes from one scene and family to another to help keep the show engaging and entertaining. There is always a conflict that needs to be resolved and when each scene transitions the climax builds.

Viewers can watch the same show over again and discover a different joke they missed or didn’t think about before. “Modern Family” stands out because there is no audience in the background laughing at rehearsed jokes or “awing” at the emotional parts, in fact, there rarely is music at all.

Wednesdays at 9p.m. won’t disappoint you. Like almost all family TV shows, whatever conflict occurs there is always a solution and the three intertwined families come together to resolve it. “Modern Family” does a great job by making fun of the diverse couples and prejudices they go through. If your jaw doesn’t drop or if your stomach doesn’t hurt from laughing too hard than clearly you have no sense of humor. This show is guaranteed to hook you.

A story I wrote for my Creative Fiction Class,

2010-03-10T00:04:00.005-05:00

I wrote this story in my Creative Writing class, I like it, but I want to know what you think as to how I could make it better or just any thoughts and feelings you have. The characters are kind of non-fictional, but the story is completely fictional.

The Bodyguard

“Taryn, are you ready yet?” Reid asked.

“Hold on girl, just a minute.” Reid stood tapping his foot, leaning on the bedroom door, arms crossed, waiting in frustration. They were supposed to leave an hour ago, they were running on Hawaiian time but clearly it was a lot longer than what he anticipated. “That dress looks good on you!” she exclaimed, trying to make him smile, ease the tension.

He smirked, regardless of how mad Taryn made him sometimes, he was always there for her, as her drag-queen hidden bodyguard. You had to be pretty stupid not to notice the half Hawaiian half Japanese guy with hairy arms in a black dress. Sure he had long luscious hair, but his calves were the size of pineapples and thighs that were capable of squatting 600lbs. This was no ordinary petite thing, this was a linebacker dressed to impress and to top it all off, stood a good 6’4” in pumps. He dressed in drag purely for show, to get a reaction out of people.

The one thing about Reid, He would never hurt a fly. The thing about Polynesian men, they just look intimidating, under their tough surface they are as gentle as a baby’s bottom. Taryn was late on rent again and needed some extra cash to pay it off quick before she got threatened with eviction for the 3^rd time that month.

“Oh my god Mary, nails.” Taryn cried. She couldn’t see it, but Reid did. He saw the stink-eye she got on the streets and in the clubs. Tranny’s were jealous of her. She didn’t have any plastic surgery, no hormones to make her voice deeper, she naturally looked like a woman and other queens hated her for it. Taryn, originally Ryan, started dressing as a girl at a young age, his mother didn’t mind it, in fact, the entire family noted it quickly. He didn’t really look like normal boys, he looked and sounded like a girl and to top it off, he grew up with five older sisters. He pretty much needed a tampon to fit in with his family.

Taryn finally put the finishing touches to her lipstick and headed with Reid to his car. His run down ’97 dark green Toyota Camry was on its last leg, voyaging over 250,000 miles it was still kicking, somehow. They ventured their way to the Waikiki strip and hung out with all the fa’afafine’s and Mahu’s (“man ladies” and gays) that wondered around trying to pick up tricks.

The warm night air blew through their hair, creating a sense of calm and reminding them of what the hawaiki (homeland) once was before tourism decimated it and raped it for all its worth.

“Ho, Who dis one ova heah?” A guy in a black Escalade drove up to Taryn. They weren’t even on the street for a half hour and she lucked out, too good to be true. Reid stood by her side.

“Hey baby, whatchu doin’ tonight?” she smiled and went over to the window.

“Well that depends, handsome.” Her pale porcelain face did its trick. He started feeling he crotch as he looked at her, checking her up and down. Reid stood behind her, watching, making sure nothing unusual happened.

“How much you want?” She could see the outline growing in his pants, blushing and giggling she said,“50 for a blow, 100 to fuck.”

“Aright, my little wahine (girl) hop in, I’m gonna take you on the ride of your life.” As they trailed off, Reid wasn’t far behind. He followed in his car slowly, parking close by he snuck in a back alleyway keeping eyes on them.

“Oh yeah baby, that’s it, fuck me.” Reid giggled; he knew she was faking it. As they continued their love making, their screams intensified into agony. “Bra, You’re hurting me!”

“What the fuck is this? A DICK? YOU HAVE A FUCKIN’ DICK!?” As Taryn struggled to get free she felt a massive pain, like a rock being slammed right on her face. She struggled for the door and opened it. The man got out, pushed her to the ground and started strangling her. Taryn’s eyes bulged out, her pale face turned beat red, she smacked at his face, useless attempts at this mans size. Taryn squirmed for air, struggling for a single breath.

Without hesitation Reid ran over like a bull and charged at him. The guy flew from the top of Taryn and landed on the side of his car, making a dent and fell to the ground. “Motha Fucka!” The guy screamed in pain. Reid pulled out a switchblade. In his peripheral vision he saw Taryn, coughing and gasping for air. A feeling of utter hatred and rage came over him. He picked up the knife and held the man by his hair. He took his blade and pointed it at his jugular. “Listen kefe (fucker), go home to your wife and children, I know who you are and know where you live, if I see you again I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you. Give me your wallet!” Reid took all the money out of it and threw it at him.

The man got in his car and drove away, Reid dropped the knife and lifted Taryn into his arms. “Come on Taryn, let’s go home, you need a break from this for a while.” Reid walked, to his car and put Taryn in the back seat. As he drove off tears rolled down his cheeks, He would be putting his dress in the trash the next day. He was done with drag, the fast life was too much for him to handle, he was done.

I'm more nervous than they are

2010-03-03T11:16:00.002-05:00

I recently signed up to join America Reads. It's a volunteer program where you go and help out in classrooms at an elementary school or a boys and girls club. I am currently doing the elementary school. I've only been there once, it was a good experience but I noticed that when I walked into the 4th grade classroom I was more nervous than the kids were! HA!

What am I so afraid of? Seriously! I mean little kids are pretty funny and I'm sure if you listen to them long enough they'll tell you an interesting story, their imaginations are all over the place and they're not afraid to strike up a conversation with anyone.

I don't know. I think I'm just scared to talk in front of an audience, even if they are 8 - 9 years old. I'm afraid that they'll walk all over me, or that they will not listen to me; the class will get out of control and I wont know what to do if I have to discipline someone. Then again, I'm sure sure all new people that do this feel the same way because they have never been in a situation like this before, it's new to them (and me, of course).

What is a person to do? I think the only thing I can do is to continue doing this, work over my fears, say "Just suck it up and do it." and do what I can.

I think my biggest problem is, I want to be able to know how to do something without even doing it yet. I'm afraid that I'm not going to get the hang of things right away. That's okay though, I need to keep telling myself that I'm human and It's normal to go through this. I know that each day I go will get a little easier. This is good practice for me, because I am considering going to Korea to teach english, and if I can't hang out with some 3rd and 4th graders for 2 hours how the hell am I going to be able to travel half way across the world and teach for 6 hours.

It's funny, the culture shock isn't what is scaring me if I do go to Korea, it's the teaching aspect. One day at a time is all I need... Well Anyways, whoever is reading this, hope it made you laugh.

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (For Writing Reviews)

2010-02-25T02:34:00.000-05:00

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus is a visually thrilling film, but the storyline drags, causing a mixture of emotions throughout the movie. Terry Gilliam, the director was convinced that his movie would flop because of Heath Ledger’s death a third of the way through production. Thankfully for a star casting crew of Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell, who filled in for Ledger after his death, Gilliam finished the film.

This is a movie about struggle and analyzing the deeper meanings within ourselves. Doctor Parnassus (Christopher Plummer) and his theatrical group travel the world to prove to people that they too are capable of using their imaginations rather than addiction and desires with the philosophy: “Do you dream? Or should I say... can you put a price on your dreams? Or... the dreams of the less fortunate in this world.” On their mission, they meet characters who symbolize good and evil which affects the unraveling of the story.

Gilliam’s greatest strength in the movie is visuals; he takes audience members outside of their seats with his cinematography, colors and the special effects. Picture giant jellyfish in space and shoes the size of 12 story buildings floating in a sea with lily pads big enough to hold people. These will have audience members saying “wow.” Another aspect that contributed to this movie’s success was Gilliam’s ability to overcome challenges including the deaths of Ledger and William Fince, the producer. Transitions between Ledger and his substitutes were natural; it flowed smoothly with the movie, making it seem Ledger’s absence in parts of the movie was part of the original vision.

Although the movie is beautifully made, the plot seems to move like a roller coaster: from fast paced to slow and back to fast. There tends to be extra dialogue that stretches scenes out for too long, taking away from the story itself. However, viewers should pay close attention to what is being said and revealed through symbolism. The imagery is so detailed that it is impossible to fully appreciate and comprehend by only seeing it once.

This movie is worth watching in theaters solely to appreciate the vast cinematography. But for those who seek deeper symbolism, consider investing in a DVD in order to unravel all the complexities and discover the meanings that parallel our own lives. Like all movies with complicated plots, new meanings and new discoveries reveal themselves that were not noticed the first time around.

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus is a movie incomparable. It is truly a work of art. And like any good piece of art, a picture is worth a thousand words, although its violence and strong language make this movie R rated. Gilliam’s Imaginarium is playing in select theaters because probably only a select audience can comprehend and appreciate the ideas Gilliam worked towards to bring his imagery to life. . “Can you put a price on your dreams?” The price of Gilliam’s dream is worth around ten dollars in theaters.

Reflecting

2010-02-16T02:10:00.003-05:00

I'll never forget the time when I was 10 years old.

My mother, aunt, and I were at McDonald's, My grandfather (my mom's dad) was really sick and on the verge of dying any day and I think it was the first time I saw weakness in a parent, where actually showed that they were human and not one of these super people.

The song Landslide by Stevie Nicks came on the and I remember my mom and my aunt staring off and tears were pouring down their faces. My mom was chewing her hamburger, holding it in one hand and had the napkin in the other. I didn't know what to say, we all fell silent just quiet and reflecting. Times like that I'll never forget.

Everything in the world continued while time just stopped in this one little booth, at the beginning when she says "This is for you daddy." I think about my own father and what life will be like when he is gone, along with my mother too, but sometimes we don't realize how much our family truly means to us, how any person truly means to us until they are finally gone.

I can honestly say that I have a best friend that I am so thankful for and I truly believe that if this girl asked me to take a bullet for her or give up my lung I would do it with no hesitation.

My friend Michelle came to visit me in Hawaii and we didn't do anything truly exciting it was just nice to hang out. And when she left, I cried so hard, it was so hard to see her go. I didn't even cry when my parents left. Anyways, that's all I really have to write about at the moment.

Good Friends, Good Family

2010-02-07T17:40:00.003-05:00

I can't thank my friends and family enough for these past few days.

On Thursday my parents came down to see me for my birthday, we went to the Waterfront Grill in New Bedford and just enjoyed each others company and great food. I hate sea food (for the most part) but I love theirs, weird. My good friend Caitlin threw a surprise party at her house and a bunch of my good friends went. They did a Hawaiian themed party and it was just great. They are very non-judgemental and we enjoy each others company so much. We share good laughs, good drinks and times.

They got me the best stuff, my friend Caitlin knows I have my pretentious gay moments so she bought me a new pair of jeans and a T-shirt while my friend Sara got me a graphic Tee from Express that i'm in love with along with a bunch of other little things. I was more thankful just spending time with them, sharing new laughs and remembering old stories.

Friday, my brother and sister came down and we went out for Sushi. I have been craving it so badly, I love all the delicious and mysterious flavors that pop into your mouth. I don't really ask what's in them and just go with the flow of it. However, my brother Casey tends to steer clear of new things or things he's unfamiliar with (unless his girlfriend tells him he'll like it) , I thought he liked sushi but was clearly still getting over the whole RAW part of it. I was like that way too...

My good friend Reid from Hawaii took me up to the North Shore of Hawaii when I lived there and we took the scenic route. We stopped at this little mom n' pop shop on the way up and got my first taste of Poke (raw tuna that's seasoned with all sorts of things) I couldn't get over the texture but after a while It melts in your mouth, and Raw fish in general (for the most part) is really good for you! It took me a few trials to get used to it, but I finally did.

So, we're sitting there with all this Sushi in front of us and I was starving, I was chowing and chowing away at everything, I really could have ate all the stuff. I think it's interesting how I don't think of what's in it and I just eat :D. Casey kept asking questions "What's in this? Why is this different than that?" And the whole "raw" thing was new to him too, so he took his time. I don't know if he liked it, he said he did.

Saturday rolls around and my best friend Edson comes up to visit from Connecticut. He paid for everything; dinner that night, our night out at the club "my mission is to get you trashed" boy he sure did! Whenever him and I go out it's always an adventure. I saw some familiar faces. Edson and I got drinks and we noticed the bartender, he had to be 240lbs, 5'10 and super muscular, he had a scruffy beard and looked like the ultimate bad ass, he was so unbelieveably attractive, he wore the tightest jeans that made his butt explode out of them :D hahahah. It gave me motivation to keep going to the gym and achieving my goals, (even though I just had 2 cupcakes... we wont discuss that) I should have asked him to take shots with us.

All-in-all it was a great time and I'm very thankful for my good friends that were there to celebrate my birthday and to take care of me. 23 looks like a good year!

Birthday's

2010-02-04T14:04:00.002-05:00

I think a birthday is one of those weird time of the years for me. I don't know why, maybe because I feel weird that all the attention is one me for one day and one day only for the entire year. I kind of think it's selfish but then again, I love doing things for others on their birthdays, it's a good feeling seeing them happy.

The one good thing about birthdays is that we get to hang out with family and friends that we haven't seen in a while and catch up and share new stories laughs :D, what could be better? Being goofy with a nice glass of wine talking about the past, or going out to the club and making fools of ourselves and laughing about it the next day. My good friend Edson and I are known to do that.

My brothers' birthday and mine are so close together that when we were little we would always combine birthdays however it would mainly be my brothers' friends. My parents are cute like that, when we were younger my parents would get 1 cake and it didn't matter who's birthday it was, my sisters birthday is in June and we would all sing happy birthday to each other. We have on video where my sister sang, then Casey and my brother was so cute, he goes "let's sing happy birthday to Andrew!" He had to be about four years old ^_^.

Maybe this is why I'm addicted to chocolate and cakes because they bring such happy experiences. One funny story caught on camera thanks to Super Dad was my cousin Richard's birthday. We were at my grandmother's house in CT and there were all the cousins together with the Aunts and Uncles. Everyone sang happy birthday to him while Richard decided to sing the parody: Happy birthday to you, YOU LIVE IN A ZOOOO..... And at the very end my other cousin Larry decides to blow out all the candles right before Richard, A rivalry between them still exists. When my mom watches this video she has to cross her legs and run to the bathroom because she always pees her pants.

So what did we have to do? We allll had to sing it again for the kid. Larry's mom, my Auntie Martha made Larry get away from the table saying "Larry so help me god if you blow out those candles" my dad is zooming the camera right onto her face, when she finished she kind of blushed and laughed.

The camera then zooms to me and you see me sitting on my Papa's lap trying sooo hard to blow out the candles but was unsuccessful due to being over 10 feet away with other people in front of me.

Recently during my sisters birthday she totally puked in my car, so I call that a successful night. Well I have to cut this blog short, my parents are on their way down and we're going to an early dinner.

My friend Caitlin is throwing some type of gathering tonight in which I will need a change of clothes, I have so many friends and family to thank for being there to support me through hard times and showing their feelings by wishing me a happy birthday :D. I couldn't ask for anything better.

Thanks guys.

New Professors

2010-02-02T14:42:00.002-05:00

What is it with new professors that make them act the way they do? Are they intimidated by the class? Do they feel like they demand more respect than other professors? They seem to come off as these people that demand respect and give out tons of course work and lots of notes.

In reality I think they are just new to the game and don't really know how handle situations that come across to them. I only write this because I have one professor that is the head of the English department and is very lax. She comes across as stern but she is really a really nice woman that you can talk to about anything, she has a great sense of humor. And she listens to her students, understands where they come from and is respectable.

My other professor however graduated from Tufts and got her Graduate Degree in I'm assuming English at Columbia, so she's the real deal, however, she goes by the book. She gives tons and tons of notes on her powerpoint presentations, but for some reason when she speaks about these matters in my Journalism and Creative Writing I feel a lack of passion from her. It's almost as if she's afraid to venture out and give out her personal experience. I think that's what differentiates a good professor from a bad one. One that knows how to relate to her students, knows how to joke with them and can see things from their perspective.

Or maybe I'm not looking at the big picture. Maybe this professor is just so used to this type of teaching method because that's all she knows from her previous learning experiences? I've never taken a class at Tufts or Columbia, so if anyone has please enlighten me on how the professors there teach.

The job of being a professor and or a teacher demands a lot of time and effort, you have so many kids you need to take care of, lesson plans and on top of that you have so much outside work that legit your whole life revolves around this job. It's a big responsibility, it's not something you can shut out after a work day and go to the gym, it follows you. If you're a teacher you have student teacher conferences, you have parent night where students will go to all the classes their child goes to. You sit at home and grade papers and think of lesson plans for the next week or the next day.

I think the main reason I write about this is because I'm considering being a teacher I'm scared to death about doing it. I'm scared of the students, I'm scared of the work loads, I'm scared that if I do teach my classes wont be effective, kids wont learn and I'll get pushed around and on top of that I will have to deal with parents. I don't know. there are so many things that could go wrong and I don't want that held on my shoulders. But then again, I'm looking at the negative aspects of teaching. What about the rewards? Teaching a kid a book that he/she falls in love with that helps them to see the world in a different way, to understand the situations that occur in their lives.

We take the good with the bad, we learn and move on, but we make sure the same thing doesn't happen again. With every new journey comes new tasks and new struggles that we never really dealt with. I'm not much of a confronting person so I think this would be good for me.

^_^

WTF JOBS, COME ON!

2010-01-31T13:41:00.000-05:00

Is there something wrong with me? I still can't figure it out. Am I looking in the wrong places? Perhaps.

I'm trying to find a job. I have applied to:

Planet Fitness

Dicks Sporting Goods

Olive Garden

TGI Fridays

Boarders

Ruby Tuesdays

Trio

Express

Clerical positions (many)

Staples

Bed Bath and Beyond

The Herald News as an Intern

The YMCA

And I'm sure there is more on that list that I just can't remember.

And so far I have gotten 0 responses back or they are scams or they aren't hiring.

What is wrong with me? Serioiusly! Do I not have what they are looking for? I am a college student getting my degree and I have previous work experience, shouldn't that say something? Should I be concerend here?

What do these people have that I don't? I know for a fact that I have good common sense, I usually always have a smile on my face, I always ask for more work when I'm done with a job just to help out and I always keep a good attitude. What else is there for me to do? I'm really not too sure. I'm hoping for the best right now and from there we will see what will happen. I am making an effort so I think that that is a good plus.

Should I work at Dunkin' Donuts or McDonalds or something? Would you recommend that? I feel like I shouldn't have to settle for that. I'm not trying to put them down, I have nothing against these jobs, but my family has paid a lot of money for me to go to school so I could achieve something that I could use my brain to its fullest potential. And I have busted my balls for 4 and 1/2 years... Sometimes I wonder if school was even worth it, if I should have just started working when I finished high school and work my way up.

My sister, who has significant amount of experience, went to Union College, worked 4 years at Filenes did internships for many companies, traveled throughout the country like Indiana and New York City, went to business school at Michigan, which is a part of the top 10 best schools in the country, landed a job making great money but hated it. Unfortunately things didn't work out for her and she is back on the job market. She has been looking for other jobs everywhere.

WTF!? How is this possible!? How are people not getting jobs when they are qualified if not MORE than qualified for the positions? It boggles my mind when these things happen. Is there any hope for us? It may just come down to WHO you know rather than WHAT you know. I sometimes wonder if I should just be a lifeguard and sit on my ass all day. I hated it but at least I got paid.

There was the one job I had when I was 15 and 16 years old. I worked for a company called Circuit Board Express. I sat in a room all day and put little pins into holes for 8 hours. I was the most miserablist person ever, HOWEVER, I got paid on a weekly basis and was content with that. I wish the place was still in business because I would totally work for them now even though the people I dealt with were coke heads and so many other things.

All in all, I need to keep my head up and move forward. My dad keeps pestering me to look into government jobs, which I am. My friend suggests I try substitute teaching. I have Monday, Wednesday and Fridays off from school, there is no reason why I shouldn't be working and saving money for myself. We will see what happens... I think I just need to be more aggressive.

ICK

2010-01-29T11:29:00.000-05:00

I'm kind of excited for this semester. I only have classes on Tuesday's and Thursday's which leaves my schedule open to get what I need to done on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I think this year will be good and I'm will to put in the work. I don't know where this blog is going but I'm trying to write more and this is what is on my mind at the moment.

Why is it that we leave things until the last minute? My friend made a good quote that makes me laugh. "When you wait until the last minute you only have a minute to do it! It's great!" :P Thanks Angela.

My apartment is a disgrace, I totally need to clean it up, but when I look at it I go, "eh". It's a big accomplishment when I do the dishes that have been lingering in the sink for over a week. I feel better when I do the dishes and clean, I just get frustrated with myself when it gets dirty again. ::sigh:: But there are some nasty smells that I need to find before ants and other creepy crawly infestations do :D.

Suck it up and do ittt

Fruit of the Loom

2010-01-29T01:14:00.000-05:00

So,

I don't know why this memory came up, I think it's because we had to do an exercise in my Creative Fiction class today on a certain moment that we remember, but we really don't know why we remember it. We were told to write about it in detail. I originally wrote about the time I puked outside of a chinese restaurant because I ate too much, but I think this one is better :D

Picture this, you're asleep in your cozy bed only to get woken up by your older brother. You're seven years old and your older brother (only by 2 years) is the coolest kid ever, (no, seriously, he was the one that would always play with the kids on the street, always get invited over to peoples houses and he got to go to a Red Sox game after he got Meningitis and caught a baseball) you want to be like him and do whatever he says because you know if you do YOU'RE IN.

For some odd reason he had this idea to hang me by the underwear on my bed post and give me the ULTIMATE WEDGY.

"No!" I replied, he had to quiet me down because our parents were sleeping down the hall. It was pitch black outside so clearly no light was getting into my room. My door was open a little bit and the hall light was on so the light from the hallway crept into my room. "Come on Andrew, I'll pay you 10 bucks!"

"Okay" I didn't wait a second to hesitat. (I'm so broke now, I wonder if the offer came up to me, if i'd do it again ::blush::)

I was dressed in my tighty whities and a white tee shirt. This was standard bed attire at the time. I got up on my bed and leaned over to the end of the bed post. Casey took the back of my undies and placed it on top of the bedpost as a guide... I leaned over to the side and dropped down. I instantly felt my Fruit of the Loom go right up my Fruity Loom :D.

"AHH-mmm" My brother covered my mouth with his hand, told me to be quiet and said he would go and get the scissors. Tears dripped onto his fingers as I bit my lip and waited.

I never ratted on him. I sometimes wonder why though, was it because I was too embarrassed? Was it because as kids we share a secret bond? Something only kids understand in their own world? Was it just a brother thing? To this day my brother and I laugh about it, it's pretty funny.

I'm In The Same Boat

2010-01-27T15:54:00.000-05:00

I always like to think that I'm the only one, well not LIKE to think, but I feel like I'm the only one sometimes.

"Feel like what?" you ask?

When it comes to writing I sometimes think that I just can't get the words down on page, that I'm the only one with a mental block, or that I'm the only one the writes about random things or gets scared when the writing becomes too intense for me. Or even better yet, I'm the only one that waits until the night before when finishing up my rough draft, I always kick myself in the ass for it.

However, I'm currently reading this book for my fictional class and it is really interesting, it's not one of those books that makes your eyes pour with tears (literally, you just can't help it because you haven't blinked for a while) because it's so bland. I especially hate reading text books and it doesn't matter where you are, they put you to sleep, you can be so awake and then ALAKAZAM - you're asleep.

It's okay to be scared, it's okay to wonder what if. I know that if I push myself and try to do my best that is all that matters and I will be happy with my outcome.

I'm not really too sure where this blog post is going, but the book said that you should make it a habit to write constantly, they recommend everyday. It helps to keep a clear mind and to explore our inner thoughts. Perhaps. I don't see why not. I compare it to going to the gym. A lot of us will go on a regular basis and after a while we start to feel good, exercises that were once difficult to us now get a little easier and easier. The same with writing.

I'm hanging out on the 4th floor of the UMass Dartmouth Library, how I am going to miss this POS School, it's run down buildings, the trash barrels in the hallways during rainy days, the cold classrooms because there is not heat. I have spent over 4 and 1/2 years here... A lot of memories.

With that being said, I'm moving forward in my life!

Me Last Samestre

2010-01-26T18:36:00.000-05:00

So,

After four and a half years I am finally finishing up my last semester of school! HELL YEAH! I am not going to lie though, I am pretty nervous about what's going to happen to me in the real world. I have some ideas of what I want to do but they are not set in stone. I'm scared that I am going to end up being at home and staying around town. Not like there is anything wrong with that, I just feel like there is this whole big world out there and I want to experience it. 50% of being successful is showing up. When I think about that, I think about taking that first initial leap, or step into a direction, a direction into the unknown. I think that's what I'm afraid of most. There will be no security blanket for me for me to fall back on. Like, what if I try something and I fail terribly and I'm left on my own?

I think the hardest thing to do is to go into something and just go with the flow of it without thinking of how bad it's going to bed. I think when we do that we set ourselves up for failure. How come so many of us think this way? How come we can't go into a situation and say "hey, i'll just do my best and that will be good enough because in the end it's for me and me only."

I don't know. If I did I probably wouldn't be writing this.

So. On a good note I went to my classes today and the first professor I had was Catherine Houser. She comes off as this frigid bitch of a woman but it's only a front because in reality she's a sweetheart. She is the type of professor you can totally joke around and laugh with, I would love to have a drink with her one day after I graduate and just hear her talk story about her past experiences of life and students that she has encountered. I like a professor that isn't afraid to speak her mind and tell students how things are, because she's able to back it up if they ever try and tell her off, on the other hand, if you argue her and make a valid point, she'll listen and take it into consideration.

She always likes to hear about how her staff is doing through her students and how other professors are teaching, she always has this shock face on her whenever students bash the other professors, but she puts it in retrospect for us, like... "well, this woman definitely knows her stuff" and "she's still new and all new professors are like that"

I have a new professor, her name is Caitlin O'Neal. My friend and I chatted on Facebook about her. The girl who gave me the profile of her is a grad student and is very funny. A lot of grad students hang out near the professors so they get the inside scoop, i like to think that I get a little leeway because I am getting the hook up with the grad students :D

Anyways, what's all for now.

The Holiday Stressesasis and others too

2009-12-23T18:23:00.000-05:00

I really wonder why the holidays have become so stressful. Is it because I think they are and therefore that's what makes it stressful? Or maybe perhaps I worry about how others are feeling and I get upset or worried when they arn't enjoying themselves as much as they should on such a special and magical day.

Also, I feel like I have lost the holiday spirit. I don't really have the enjoyment and magical feeling within me like I used to. I don't know if it's because I grew up, but that little warm feeling inside is gone. It comes back when I drink enough beer to get me buzzed, does that count? Maybe it's because I didn't watch my usual Christmas movies like Elf, The Polar Express, How The Grinch Stole Christmas and especially those old old old school claymation type movies? You know, Rudolph and the Misfit toys and Jack Frost and the others Little drummer boy etc etc.

Tensions are always high at the DiBenedetto house hold because people don't like to communicate and everything is assumed. We never really know who's going where for Christmas and who's coming. My mom is freaking out because just the other she found out that two of her sister in law's relatives have no where to go! So that's 15+2 to add to the list.

My dad always tries to be the family man while my mom acts like betty crocker, she'll cook extravogent things for us. I've totally taken it for granted but I feel like that's all she does is cook. My dad is typical worker and my mom has been the stay at home mom helping three kids grow up and cooking all the time for her family. The poor thing. I finally told her about my relationship with a guy I'm seeing. I don't really know how she feels about it but I'm glad that I told her, I needed to get it off my chest.

Anywho, I wish I had more to talk about right now. I'm trying to just numb myself of emotions during the time of year with lots of alcohol and childhood video games like Final Fantasy X in which i've had for over 5 years and I still have not beat. Ladies and Gentlemen this guy is well on his way in doing so!

On another note, I totally creeped Facebook last week and saw recent picture of my ex boyfriend. I haven't seen him in YEARS, almost five years to be exact and haven't talked to him in almost three. It was the most fucked up and horrible time in my life that I wish on no one could endear. He was a manipulative person and put me down constantly. I will never forget what he has done to me and how he treated me. When I saw that picture of him all these emotions came back to me, happy and sad ones, all the drama and pain I was put through. It's not worth anyone to feel that way. I hope that no one has to endure such heartache and pain. I was used to badly.

I plan on writing a book about it. I think it would be benefical for teens and gays alike to realize that they are worth so much more than they think especially if they have low self-esteem problems. I was kind of a pudgy kid in high school and he was muscluar, he never forgot to let me know how jacked and buff he was when he'd stare and gaze at his biceps in the mirror. He's currently seeing a girl right now, i think they have been together for a few years, the poor thing, i hope she wakes up one day and realizes her boy friend is a huge flamer. :P welp. Over and out. I'm going out to dinner with my parents tonight and I plan on getting really drunk ^_^.

Life... it's a love, hate relationship

2009-12-19T00:42:00.000-05:00

Have you ever dated someone that has effected you in a way that will never change your life? A person that you think about everyday? I do.

One man. He was my world.

It's been almost five years since i've seen him, the relationship didn't end well and he refuses to talk to me or even let me get in contact with him. I'm pretty sure he is dating girls and has a girlfriend. It makes me think though because it was such a devastating time in my life. I was facing the whole coming out process while trying to adjust to get ready for college as well as maintain school work .... I wonder, if my parents were more accepting of me and him if things would have worked out.

I remember, we fought a lot, but as soon as high school ended we spent almost everyday together. I felt like we were an actual couple, we would go out to dinner a lot. I'll never forget this one time I went to Virginia to visit my friend Mike, the day I came back I went to go see him. We used to fool around in the middle school parking lot. This one particular time, it was a hot summer night and we went out there, he had a blanket and we laid out on the open field near by. it was one of the best nights i can remember.

I loved talking philosophy and life to him, we just, we clicked on things like that. Our phone conversations lasted for hours on end. Near the end of the relationship though our phone conversations consisted of hours of silence, I was happy with that, but I don't think he was. I look back at this relationship and I know that it was unhealthy, he didn't treat me well but I wonder if a lot of it was my own wrong doing. If I could go back, back to the VERY beginning of the realtionship/friendship there are so many things I would change. I think that's the problem, I think I want to be forgiven for my mistakes that I made.

I'm Sorry...

I'm sorry for a lot of things. I wish he would know that. However, there are a lot of things i'm not sorry for and I feel like HE thinks i should be sorry for them. . . I don't even know if this is making sense.

::sigh::

I have legit tried everything possible to get over this relationship, date other people, work out, traveled, been seeing a psychologist, have new friends; but for some reason, I will always always always think of him. I wonder if he feels the same way (i doubt it), if he thinks like that too, I wonder what he's doing right now. I wonder if he is still with his girlfriend, I wonder if I am that part of him that he will forever hide in the dark, keep secret to everyone, brushed under the rug never to be lifted or seen again like last weeks garbage.

Maybe I just don't want to let go pieces of my life, i try and hold it all together and thinking about letting go of something like that is so devastating. Life....it's a love hate relationship.

Gambling

2009-12-07T12:05:00.000-05:00

This weekend Tim surprised me by taking me to Foxwoods and Moheegan Casino resorts in CT. Now, I'm going to be honest, I'm not the biggest fan of Gambling but I had a good time. It is a lifestyle and culture I'm not used to whatsoever. It's such a mix a people so I think that's why it freaks me out.

While walking through the casino I noticed some things, first off there was a sections of all Asians. the gambling tables were packed with people, playing a type of game I never heard of. Other areas were games like Spanish 21, which I'm assuming is like blackjack? I don't know.

Whenever I go to the casino I always think of Craps because that's the game my brother, sister and my dad LOVE to play. I've never really had a general interest in playing these games.

Tim, however likes to play Roulette. I've heard of the game and always thought of it as guessing either red or black, or picking a number. 1 - 36(?). Anyways, on the way there and while we were at Moheegan, I sat down with Tim and he showed me the ropes, the game seems pretty interesting and he has a good strategy for the game. He'll walk around to all the tables and see which numbers are being thrown up, it's interesting because we kept seeing the same numbers over and over again, like 12, 26 and 16. The game can be really addictive because your odds seem to get better when your number isn't drawn persuading a player to play even more.

But there are other rules like "in and out" or playing by the rows, you can put your chip in the middle of numbers too so you can bet 4 numbers instead of just 1. or put it near the end so you can play a set of 6. It's interesting. And of course there are ladies that walk around asking if people want drinks.

I find the slot machines so pointless and frivolous to use. You sit there and push a button, there is no thought, there is no strategy, it gets pretty boring after a while.

I think my goal the next time I go is read up on Roulette, I'm sure there are other strategies to the game that I've never heard. The next time I get a good amount of money I think me and the ladies, and Tim will go down and have a grand time.

Tim said something at the end of the night when he didn't win that much. He said "we made memories" people always ask if you made something, so he says whenever he loses "We made memories!" :D, I like that.

Toilet Etiquette

2009-12-02T11:54:00.000-05:00

For some reason I get really nervous when I have to #2 in a public place.

First off, when on campus it's so hard to find a good place to go to the bathroom, but when desperate times call for desperate measures any place will suffice.

Funny story: One time when I was in Hawaii I sat in my Spanish class at 7:30am trying to comprehend when my little Asian professor was saying in Spanish while talking a mile a minute. All of a sudden I felt this pain in my stomach and the gaseous RUMBLE that coursed through my intestines. "OH GOD" I said in my head.

I got up and tried to talk out of a class in a casual manner, as soon as the door closed I hunted for the bathroom searching up and down but it was no where to be found. I wasn't used to the school yet and therefore was a stranger to these foreign hallways. Finally I found one, as I was about to sit down I noticed something.... My stomach was ready to unleash the icky's when I had to pause. I looked over and saw holes on both sides of the stall, Glory holes...WHAT!? I ran out and finally found one that would suffice, never in my life have I ever seen that.

Just today I saw someone walking into the bathroom right before me and I said "aw crap"(no pun intended). So I went in and sat down and waited for him to wash his hands and leave, I had to unleash a good one but couldn't because I was too afraid he was going to hear it. What different does it make though if he hears it or not? Maybe because I was afraid he was going to see the face that makes the infamous potty noise? I always think of these over the top scenarios in my head like "Oh my god he's going to laugh at me, or next time i see him in public he's going to point me out to his friends and say 'that guy took the nastiest and smelliest shit ever'". whatever. It is what it is. It's funny though, i know other people think the same.

Thanksgiving break

2009-11-29T16:59:00.000-05:00

So, over Thanksgiving break my mom and I watched the movie UP by PIXAR animations. And can I just tell you I balled my eyes out like a little baby in the beginning. I don't know why but to me it seemed like they have the best life together. I guess you could say it was your typical ideal love?

The story unfolds with two characters both interested in The Spirit of Adventure, a man who journeyed around in a blimp with his trusty companions (dogs). The movie had everything cute in it, fat asian kid, cute dogs and little old men, I think this movie was born to be a success at the very beginning.

Funny story, my good friend, who shall remain nameless is half Japanese half Hawaiian, he's a big guy, not fat just built big. Well, when he was little I guess he had so many rolls upon rolls that his older sisters used to bite him HOW CUTE IS THAT!? ^_^

Anyways this is a movie that I suggest to everyone.

On Thanksgiving my mom thought it would be a great idea to go on a hike with the family. We always argue and get frustrated with each other so yeah, let's go on a hike! it was actually pretty fun! I enjoyed myself, the view at the top is spectacular, you can see Boston which is over 26 miles away. Pretty cooool. I got a lot of reading done from a book I'm reading "The Hour I First Believed". By Wally Lamb.

Anxiety

2009-11-25T00:26:00.000-05:00

Why do I find it so challenging to motivate myself to do things sometimes? Like, sometimes I find it so rigorous and tough to get myself up and go to the gym or get ready for class, when I know I'm going to swamped with crazy work loads and endless nights of studying with no time to rest.

Maybe it's because I think about my entire day ahead of me and how stressful it's going to be. What's funny though, at any second, at any moment something in our lives can change, we shouldn't worry about what our future holds. Ya know, just writing this is making me feel better about how I should perceive my life.

I think it is imperative to not think about the big picture because it's overwhelming. Maybe this is where all my stress comes in to play. I think about what the hell I'm going to do with my life after college, if i'm going to succeed in my careers and goals, will I be happy? Will I get what I pictured out of life? Ultimately right now that doesn't matter.

The more I just focus on the little tasks at hand I feel better. For example, when I think about my apartment or my room and how I have to clean it, I get overwhelmed and therefore barely even grasp at it, where as opposed to I could just look at the kitchen sink and clean up that area first and then move on to something different.

Something to think about I guess. I think that's what life ultimately comes down to, well for me anyways, I know that If I don't get overwhelmed or stressed I am able to accomplish what I need to.

Christmas, It's a Love Hate relationship

2009-11-23T10:33:00.000-05:00

Ever since I was a young lad I used to look forward to the Hollidays and Christmas, but now I am starting to absolutely HATE HATE HATE it. Don't get me wrong, I love going to parties, catching up with old friends and enjoying a nice warm fire while watching a movie and seeing a calm snow fall outside.

What I don't like is the stress. I prefer going to the mall/wherever alone to buy gifts for family and friends. I find it completely frustrating how Christmas is the time of year that is supposed to be relaxing and joyful. You want to see relaxing and joyful throughout the holidays, then don't go to a mall. Malls are completely packed where we have to FIGHT for a parking spot even when we think we've parked the furthest possible away.

Last Christmas I sat in traffic for over two hours both ways trying to get in and out of the mall. It's stress that's not needed. I think the whole thing of gift giving should just be for birthdays.

And what's the deal with Christmas decor coming out earlier and earlier. I was at Target the other day and it wasen't even Halloween yet and there was Christmas stuff being hung up. SERIOUSLY? Are we losing the spirit of Christmas because of these huge corporations that try to gain profit on our asses?

I had a talk with my friend Tim the other day, contemplating if I should get a tree or not for my apartment. "Get one" he said.
"why?"
"if you don't get one now it's just going to make it that much easier the next year to not get one and then it will continue." He's Right. I like decorating my room, I love watching Elf, I love snuggling in my PJ's with the heat cranked on the verge of falling asleep, I love listening to Christmas Carols... I just wish that Christmas was toned down a notch, everyone is stressed when the stress isn't needed.

The Holidays should be fun and we should be able to enjoy yourselves and the company of friends and loved ones. And of course those crazy old school animations of Christmas, like Jack Frost, Rudolph and the Elf that wants to be a dentist and the misfit toys "Sometimes I feel like we'll never make home in time for Chrriissttmaasss."

Dancing

2009-11-21T16:07:00.000-05:00

Ever since I was little I always loved to dance. It must be a gay thing, or my thing.

I remember at a young age I loved moving to music, I don't know if I was just looking up to my older sister. She listened to music that was so different than what I was used to, I was so intrigued by it. She would go off to dance clubs with her friends and be rebels. I knew I wanted to be just like her. When I was younger my brother and sister made fun of me because of how I danced and now they are so envious of it. :D

I don't know where/when it officially started but my good friend Mike and me wanted to go clubbing and rave to techno. Or rather, we always dreamed of going to raves. we would listen to techno and trance music and learned to liquid with glow sticks. Corny I know but I think it helped me develop some better dancing skills. We went to The Palace in Saugus MA. The first time I went I lied to my parents, well, I lied to them a few times saying I was going to a dance at at my friends private school.I was a freshman in high school at the time. I told my friends about it and they were sooo Jealous :P. Looking back on it, it was kind of silly but whatever.

Summer going into sophomore year of High School, I purchased my first Dance Dance Revolution. (Home edition of course)

The first time I saw it I was in Las Vegas. I was intrigued by it. I think DDR was doing a lot of promoting or it just took a while for it to come to the East Coast. Being in Vegas and of course, not old enough to gamble or drink, my time spent there was constrained. Arcades, walking around and poolside it was. This was where I saw it. I heard techno music and saw people danicng and thought... WOAH THIS IS A GAME? THIS IS MY GAME!
The First time I ever tried it I was at the Circus Circus indoor amusement park.
My first song: Butterfly. I remember only playing this one song and sweating bullets! I got a 5 combo and thought I was the complete shit! Woot!
Anyways, When I finally purchased the game, I couldn't keep off it. I played for hours on end everyday and became really good.

My freshman and sophomore year of high school I met friends that enjoyed clubbing as much as I did. I had my friend Paolo who was a break dancer and my friend Amit and Clark that did liquid as well, we would all compare our liquid moves to each other, no one thought they were better than each other and we all learned different techniques. What's really cool about dancing is everyone has a different set style, we're able to let loose in our own individual way.
My friend Mike and I used to watch this guy, we thought he was pretty good.

We used to pull all nighters at his house and practice liquid, we would video tape teach other and critique the tapes "See here, you're doing this move when you could be taking your hand and putting it around your head." Looking back it seems so silly but I guess it helped me in the long run, who doesn't like a good dancer?

I write this piece because my good friend My (that's her name I swear) and myself went to this dance sponsored by our school, we were the only two tearing it up on the dance floor. I think we only stopped for a good 10 minutes max in the 3 and 1/2 hour long period we were there. The music was perfect and we were just playing off each others moves the whole night. I don't know what it is about dancing but I feel so good when doing it, especially when you're drunk and every song is YOUR song :D

Hesitation

2009-11-18T22:44:00.000-05:00

For some reason I hesitate to explain how I feel in situations, I'm always afraid to ask questions because i'm afraid i'm going to get yelled at or criticized or be call stupid. Do you know what's funny? It almost never happens but it's anxiety that I'm learning to cope with.

The other day I finally built up the courage to tell my brother about the guy I'm seeing. I didn't tell him for a few reasons.

I was afraid of my brothers reaction to the age difference. and
Telling my brother is another stepping point in the relationship. A stepping point that scares me, but why?

Am I afraid that this might actually be too good to be true? It took me over a week to tell the guy I am seeing about phone conversation with my bro concerning him. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked. I don't know if he is upset or flattered with what happened. I don't like pressure and neither does he.

I just, I told my brother because he has a big impact on my life and I know that he would like my potential so much. I know that if they saw what I saw he would agree with me. And the guy I'm seeing is such an amazing influence on my life I don't know how to describe it. I feel bad though, I really gave this guy the run around, constantly saying that I don't have feelings for him, but we would go to these amazing restaurants for dinner, and be romantically involved after. We would take his dog out for a walk. I originally told him we weren't dating, but in actuality we were.

At first I was freaked out by his age but now I'm okay because I'm happy and hopefully he is too. I notice that as each day goes by my feelings for him grow a little stronger. I understand that he's extremely busy and has his own life and priorities. Just as long as I hear from him once a day on the phone I'm happy. I really am trying not to be that Crazy Psycho boyfriend.

If he makes me laugh, smile and shows me the world in a different way, why shouldn't people be happy for me? I know I would be for them.

"You want somebody you can benefit from" My father said that to me when I dated my first boyfriend Tom. I was insulted, not understanding these words. It took me a while to understand them. He wants someone who I can learn from, who can teach me things and vise versa. If I can't do that than the relationship is pointless. I learn something new and different with him everyday. He comes up with the wisest and most hysterically funny remarks. And for the most part, what I love most is he is never ever angry. He never really gets upset.

I know that I have my mothers passive aggressiveness and he sees that. I'm learning to not be so passive and to talk out my emotions. I don't think this is a process that will ever end, it will always be something I will have to work at, but I think that he can help me. I hope that I can contribute to his life as much as he does to mine.

I want to be a part of the Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch

2009-11-17T12:14:00.001-05:00

I can't put my finger on what it is about The Office that makes me love it so much.

I love the cute relationship Jim and Pam have. I love Dwights crazy antics and his secret love affair he had with Angela. (If you guys have started to watch The Office, sorry to ruin it for you)

The more I watch it I uncover different jokes that I didn't hear before, almost like a book you read for the second time, there is just something different, you gain a different perspective. For the most part it doesn't seem like these characters use the script all that much. I don't know for sure if they do it word for word but the language just seems so real. I think we can all relate to these characters because we find people like that within our daily work/life environment.
One example, let's take Kelly Kapoor. She seems like your typical teeny bopper, she brings a sense of a character to the screen that hasn't really ever been portrayed. Have we ever seen an Indian character that acts so girly? I think it's different, it plays a twist on life.Why though? Is it because we as Americans don't really associate Indian girls being teeny boppers? All the Indians I know tend to be huge book worms engulfed in their studies. I think I because she went to high school in Massachusetts, the same one my two uncles went to is pretty cool.

Dwight Schrute

I particularly look forward to The Office because of him. The things that comes out of his mouth is absolutely priceless. YEAH MICHAEL I WANT SOME FOR YOUR MEAT. And the pranks Jim pulls on him never get old. Look at his bobble head and his secret love affair with Angela. He is Michael Scott's Assistant TO the Regional Manager. He is that character we all love to hate. I think the reason why I love him so much is because he reminds me of someone I know. I'm not particularly friends with this person but dealt with him in the past because I had to. They both act like they are the best thing since slice bread and prove everyone else wrong even when they KNOW they're wrong. Dwight Schrute, you're amazing...

Pamela Beeseley

The infamous office "hottie". I like her because she tries to see the initial good within every character, she gives them the benefit of the doubt until they disrespect her, except for Michael Scott. I think out of all characters, besides her love affair with Jim, she realizes that Michael is alone and has no one, she feels bad for him. She knows that Dunder Mifflin is his life, or maybe she respects him because he was the only one that went to her art show and purchased something from her. She has such a monotone voice about things sometimes it's hysterical. Her and Jim seem to be the only ones that have their heads on right out of everyone in the company. They are the prime example of the audience and how they would react to the crazy situations happening throughout the office. One of my favorite episodes with her in it is when Michael Scott pretends to be too busy in meetings to answer the Post-its that Pam gives to him. Turns out the post-its are just smiley faces. For you Office lovers you know which episode I'm talking about.

There is so much more I could write about The Office but this is all I can really think of at this moment.

The Crazy Psycho Within Us All

2009-11-16T12:23:00.000-05:00

(In case of copyright laws, here is where i found this picture http://www.smsrd.com/crazysm.jpg)

What is The Crazy Psycho?

The Crazy Psycho is when a girl or gay man dates another guy and they over analyze every single thing their spouse does.

They wonder why their boyfriends aren't calling back when they say they would, or
they only got 5 text messages from them instead of the usual 40 per day!
They get mad when they see their boyfriends only 3 times a week instead of the usual 7.

A Crazy Psycho will call their spouse constantly wondering what they are doing. They latch on like a mothaeffin' leach!

YIKES

Here's an example, my best friend was dating this guy. They spent almost every living second with each other, would wake up in the morning go to their classes have lunch hang out in their room all day, go to dinner and then come back.

One night my best friends boyfriend goes to her:"Aright, I'm going down the hall to play video games with so and so"
Crazy Psycho: What?
Her BF: Yeah, I'll just be down the hall
Crazy Psycho: If you leave this room we're over!
Her BF: What? I'm just going to down the hall! I'll be back!
Crazy Psycho: Fine, but don't come back!

Why am I writing about this? I have always wandered about this issue. My friends and I always talk about it. I think we need to realize that our significant others feel the same for us but just show it differently.

I know personally that being the Crazy Psycho has turned me off into dating, I always become afraid that I'm going to turn out like I did with my first love.

(Insert reminiscing moment and harp music here)
I'll never forget I got so upset because he wouldn't sit next to me in math class.
Me: "I have no friends in the class"
Him: are you kidding me? that's why you're mad at me right now? Because I don't sit next to you!?
Me: Blush
Him: That's the stupidest thing ever, out of all the reasons to get upset at me.

Needless to say he tore me a new asshole that was well deserved.

I know other girls that stalk their boys at work just to make sure they are really there. What is it that makes us freak out? Does it have to do with insecurities within ourselves? Do we have trust issues? I think if we stop over analyzing situations and just go with the flow of life things will work out on their own.

I wonder if Sex and The City made an episode about this... The only one I can fully remember is when Carrie meets a guy that she thinks is too perfect. She tries to find something wrong with her partner and goes snooping through all his stuff while he's not there. He eventually catchers her in the act and she realizes that she has turned into the creep.

Turning into a complete psycho is a turn off to our significant other. The best solution is to tell the Crazy Psycho within all of us to relax. Remember, we were once individuals that relied on ourselves before we met these great guys, they shouldn't make us worry and have us lose sleep. A relationship should be easy and relaxing, if it's too complicated or too much work there is something wrong. And besides no one wants to deal with a crazy.

House of Blues? More like House of Poo's!

2009-11-15T10:44:00.000-05:00

Soooooooo

I came home this weekend to pick my parents up from the airport. While driving I heard these fun techno pumpin' tunes. I started to get into my dancey mood and figured that I should go to The House Of Blues!

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/2/2b/HouseOfBluesBostonMA.jpg

Ya know... haven't been to the Boston night life in a while, like listening to techno, thought it would be wicked fun, hang out with some people I haven't seen in a while...

WRONG

Before even getting in the door you had to buy a ticket for 15 bucks (strike 1)
The coat check was another 5 bucks (strike 2)
And when I finally got to the dance floor I felt like the fat kid because everyone seemed to have huge muscles. Was I at a bodybuilder convention? what was the deal?

For some reason I think gay men are very caddy to each other when they don't have to be. Last night I was getting evil looks from people just because I was looking in their direction. I got the nose in the air that said it all "How dare you try and check me out." Whatever

I think from my perspective of gay clubs in Boston, Machine has been the most relaxed and friendly. I don't know if it's because people in Boston act like they have money and try to show it off or whatever, or if that's just gay people in general, but all in all it was a memory that I will never forget.

The dance floor was Giant, there was a drag queen that SHOULD NOT have been in drag.

All in all it was a lesson to be learned.

Zombieland

2009-11-14T16:59:00.000-05:00

The other day my friend Tim and I went to see Zombieland.

We were hesitant about the film at first, he wanted to see Saw 6 and I wanted to see The 4th Kind

Because of the time restrictions and evidence we got from http://www.rottentomatoes.com/

The 4th Kind got a 15% and Saw 6 got 44% (out of 100)

Zombieland - 89%, so I figured this has to be a good movie.

I totally cracked up throughout the entire film, I was THAT guy in the theater laughing the hardest. Tim had shoosh me a few times but it was totally worth it. If someone asked me to go see it again I would without a doubt.

In my opinion there was a good list of cast and the storyline wasn't too bad, it didn't go into full detail on how people became zombies it was just a virus that broke out.

So, in Zombieland there are a list of rules that one should follow (according to the main character)

These are the ones that were mentioned.

#1 – Cardio
#2 – The Double Tap
#3 – Beware of Bathrooms
#4 – Seatbelts
#5 – ???
#6 – The Skillet*
#7 – Travel Light
#8 – Get A Kickass Partner*
#9 – ???
#10 – ???
#11 – ???
#12 – Bounty Paper Towels*
#13 – ???
#14 – ???
#15 – Bowling Ball*
#16 – ???
#17 – Don’t Be A Hero
#18 – Limber Up
#19 – ???
#20 – ???
#21 – Avoid Strip Clubs*
#22 – When In Doubt, Know Your Way Out
#23 – ???
#24 – ???
#25 – ???
#26 – ???
#27 – ???
#28 – ???
#29 – The Buddy System*
#30 – ???
#31 – Check The Back Seat
#32 – Enjoy The Little Things
#33 – Swiss Army Knife*

And finally, here is a clip for the top four 4 rules from the movie that I thought was pretty outragiously funny:

The Power of a Song.

2009-11-12T12:04:00.000-05:00

Have you ever sat in your car totally zoned out and then all of a sudden a song comes on the radio that you've never heard before or a song that you've heard but never really listened to the lyrics?

I find it so intriguing because there are times when I'll hear a song on the radio and tears will just pour down my face. They hit that nerve.

My friend Reid and I were talking about it, he was joking saying "Oh my god, this song has totally stimulated my emotions in only three minutes and 44 seconds!" That's so true though! How is a song able to capture your emotion in such a short time period?

Am I an extremely sensitive person? Why do songs hit me so strongly? Here are some songs that will always have me jerkin' for tears:

That Adele has the voice of an Angel. A friend of mine introduced me to her. I never really thought about her music but when I first heard some of her stuff I was intrigued. When I heard this song tears poured down my cheeks. I kept repeating it and repeating it.

Chris Allen is soon to be my new hero.
I didn't really think about the song when I first heard it on the radio until I the lyrics started to get more in depth. I cried like a little baby in the car.

I'm also intrigued how after a good crying session we feel better. I think I should look up information on that.

For you Six Feet Under fans, This has been by far the saddest episodes I have ever watched on Television and thanks to Sia's "Breathe Me" the producers did a great job at tapping into the emotions of their audience. I remember having a Menty (Mental break down) after watching this because I saw all the characters grow up and die, reminding me of my life and my family. It really hit home.

There are more that I would like to include here, hopefully some time soon.

Life is Funny

2009-11-10T11:38:00.000-05:00

Why do I find the little things funny? I think the best way to fully explain what I'm talking about is Ellen Degenerers' Stand up Comedy.

My good friend Michelle and I reenact this all the time... NANCY! I've known it for years and for some reason it never gets old! Why?

I think it's because it's those typical day to day things that happen to us, especially when we're walking down the street and we trip over something and the coolness gets sucked RIGHT OUT OF US! Ellen Mentions that in her skit... Ya know what, I think I'm just in love with her.

So many of us can relate. Why do we feel so stupid or embarrassed in these situations? Is it because we feel that no one else has gone through them? Are we the center of attention in a way that we don't want to be? hmmmmmmm.....

If you're into her comedy I want to recommend this girl to you.

http://www.youtube.com/user/communitychannel#p/u/70/wLhVolgFLX0

Here is one of her skits but she's HYSTERICAL! Unfortunately I cant embed (Is that the right word?) it into this blog but check out the link!

She brings up a lot of interesting issues, in this comedy skit she does it's about getting directions.

Perhaps the reason this is laugh out loud funny for me is because I can totally relate.

When In Doubt, Just Go

2009-11-08T16:08:00.000-05:00

You never know who you'll come in contact with. Each experience is always new and different if you want it to be.

I was hesitant to go out this weekend with my bro and his lovely friends because I was kind of in the mood to just stay at home. I had to convince myself to go out by saying: "Just go out, you don't know what will happen, you may meet a new friend or encounter something different"

So I'm out with my brother his girlfriend Christine and all their friends. I turned out to be the 9th wheel AWESOME. We head to the Portsmouth Brewery in New Hampshire. Now, I'm not a HUUGGEE beer guy, I do like to drink it and relax, but I'm pretty sure that this Brewery is one of the best in the country. It has a relaxing atmosphere.

http://portsmouthbrewery.com/ Check it out if you get a chance

Not only is it a good Brewery but it's a cute little town, I love the little streets and the people. It's definitely accommodating to all seasons. It reminds me of Provincetown MA, or Newport RI. It's super cute.

Finally after drinking beers and talking story for a good hour and half we sit down at our dinner table. I wasn't in a talkative mood because I felt out of the loop with all these straighties and their significant others, but I tried to make the most of it.

I sat down at the table and across from me was this couple, The girl April was doing PR at a big firm and the other is now a research student at Harvard (I don't remember April's boyfriends name). They were very friendly. They moved up here from Texas and they were shooting the shit with me and asked me what I'm doing with my life. We had a great talk.

I told them that I'm a senior finishing up my final year as an English: Writing and Communications major, they were both psyched. The guy used to be into journalism and April graduated with the same degree.

I told them that I wasn't sure what the fuck I wanted to do with my life and that I was considering moving back to Hawaii eventually traveling through Polynesia and then into Southeast Asia. They were enthralled. It wasn't like.. "Oh .. uhh that's cool?" The guy told me that after he graduated from UT his father wanted him to work in the banking business with him, I found that interesting because my father is/was a banker.

"After college I went to Australia and did some soul searching for a bit" I was so interested with that. "Ya know, Australians, Europeans, and Canadians go off and travel after school, it's what they do, they do a good amount of soul searching."

I found it to relieving that there are other people like myself that have no idea what the fuck they want to do with their lives and also, I'm amazed that there is such huge pressure to go and do it, ya know?

What I'm trying to say is: I'm fortunate enough to have gone out the other night. If I didn't I would be stuck in the same situation that I was in before, totally clueless, even though they didn't have answers and didn't know me too well they could relate. I'm happy because they helped put things in a better perspective for myself. I think that's what is important.

So, my advice to anyone whomever comes across this page... If you're hesitant to go out for the night just go, you'll never know who you'll come across, what will happen and above all you'll learn something new. ^_^

Age and Love

2009-11-06T15:15:00.000-05:00

So many people tell me that age is just a number. Is it?

I think it is particularly interesting that in the gay community stuff like this is common.

I'm pretty sure that there are sites that support it (however these seem to have the intention that these younger guys are looking for older men for money):

http://www.dateagaymillionaire.com/

http://www.gaysugardaddyfinder.com/

http://www.richgaysugardaddy.com/

Why do gay guys feel the need to date older men? And why do older date younger guys?

Do younger men just go for older because they have the money and there is someone that can take care of them? Are they getting some type of loving fulfillment they have always dreamed of from their fathers? Or to put it bluntly, are they dead broke and don't want to work so they're willing to have a good fuck in order to get what they want?

As a 22 year old, the youngest of 3 I search for older because I like a man that's more mature, someone I can talk to and relate with. I have always been around people older than me, it just seems normal. Sure I like to go out and party, but to me nothing is better than staying in with someone and drinking a good bottle of wine by the fire while watching a movie.

A few years prior I dated a guy that was six years older than me. I was 20 he was 26. I remember confessing it to my mom and she had a conniption. The usual disapproving lines came out:

Mom: That's not right, he's so much older than you!
Me: Mom, it's the same age difference between you and dad!
Mom: I don't care it's different, it's not right!
Me: "How?"
Mom: It just isn't!

And when I told my brother:

Brother: I can't believe this! That's so gross! He's just trying to take advantage of you! What's wrong with finding people your own age?
Me: .....

All in all I think we should do what makes us happy. If we genuinely enjoy the time we have with someone than what is the problem? I know family and friends look out for our best interests but if we are happy NOW in THIS moment, than there shouldn't be a problem.

As my friend Tim said that sticks with me a lot is "You have NOOOOOO idea what's going to happen tomorrow." And we really don't. All we have is NOW

My Online Dating Experience

2009-11-05T20:35:00.000-05:00

How many of us gay man have had their typical Gay.com, Adam4Adam, Manhunt and the whole kit and caboodle profile? COCKSUCKER4U and LOOKIN4LUV screen names. I feel like there are so many different types of search engines it's ridiculous! Living in Southern MA I find that there are almost no gay men here to begin with because they are all closet cases. The ones that are on there are the SAME PEOPLE! Is it bad that I'm too lazy to drive up to Boston (an hour away) to meet people? I guess I'm resorted to the typical Providence crowd.

As a guy that has pretty much surrounded himself to online gay scene since the early age of 17. You know the "i'm gay and all alone, no one understands me"? i found it a great place to converse with other gay people and talk.

Recently at the age of 22, I've met two people on there that have had a huge impact on my life. We'll start with the first guy, I'll call him:

Roger

Now, Roger is this big Tongan (Tonga is an island in Polynesia, if you have heard of Tahiti, Hawaii, Samoa or any of those guys, Tonga is right along with them) guy that was in the military. I messaged him on Adam4Adam.com saying: Hey man, saw your profile, name's Andrew used to live out there. Not expecting anything to happen and low and behold we start talking.

This wasn't just the usual, "hey what's up?" This got intense like 4 - 6 hour phone conversations a day. I found it unusual how we clicked so quickly. We talked about everything and anything and he serenaded me on the phone with his beautiful voice and would giggle right after because he was shy. I instantly fell head over heals. This guy found interest in me and here Roger was, this 210 pound 5'11" muscular guy who sang and all he wanted to do with his significant other was cuddle. :D, music to my ears!!

After about a month of talking and establishing that I would be his boyfriend (June 21st) I remember because he was crying on the phone to me. I said YES to a guy I never met before, only saw pictures of and shared this connection over the phone.

Was this too good to be true? Did I really find Mr. Right? And is he all the way over in Hawaii. Hmm,

WHY HAWAII?

Well, for some reason I have this thing for Polynesian and Dark Skinned men, it has to stem back to my first boyfriend ever, named Tom, he was this Cambodian nut case but I thought he was the hottest thing ever, bulky, muscular, was an artist and had a bad ass side to him, and he loved to cuddle... (Different story for a different day.)

Anyways, so in Jan 2008 I went to the University of Hawaii at Manoa where it was a love hate relationship. Loved the men, hated being away from my good friends... and so now i'm back here.

So, Roger and I had everything going great until one night he says to me "Can I give you a call back later?"
Me: "yeah sure! call me back whenever"
Roger "Okay, bye"

1 week passes, he's not returning my phone calls
Did I do something wrong?

2 weeks pass. He's still not returning my phone calls
My good friend Caitlin and I talk at work she says: "Okay, relax, he's probably testing you to see if you're worth it."
Me: Oh I can play this game

3 Weeks pass, I'm losing sleep and Cold Stone Ice Cream becomes my new best friend, there's nothing I like more than sweets :D

4 Weeks Pass No response nothing, FUCK IT, I'm done.

August rolls around, I'm getting ready to head back to school when

RING RING RING RING RING

Me: hello?
Roger: .......
ME: hello? (I deleted his phone number but still recognized the digits)
Roger: Andrew... it's uh, it's uh me - me Roger.
Me: Oh.... hey... (tears blind my sight)
Roger: Look, I just want to say that I'm sorry for the way I treated you and that if you're mad at me I understand, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
I start to shake, This fury inside of me builds up.
How the fuck could he just end it like nothing??
Roger: A lot of stuff has happened to me, a lot of bad things and I'm sorry. All I want to say is that I'm better now.

I couldn't believe this!
When you finally have that opportunity to yell at someone. When you think to yourself "If I ever heard or speak to this person again i'm gonna say......." Well I did...

HOW COULD YOU!?
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THE FUCK I'VE BEEN THROUGH?
YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKIN' PIECE OF SHIT I'M SO MAD I'M SHAKING....
Tears pour down my face again and I felt my heart beat through my entire body. Has anyone else felt that before??

So of course, the sucker that I am forgives him and we talk then the same shit happens again, he fuckin' bails on me.

I don't know what it is and I don't know why I'm so forgiving of people when I always get fucked over in the end, maybe it's because I try to see the good in everything, maybe it's because I still secretly have these hidden desires that I will one day be with him and that we'll live happily ever after. Me and my Polynesiam man will rough it up in the bedroom and cuddle after. that's all i really want: Rough sex and cuddling after, is that too much to ask?